Read: Hebrews 12:12-13
“Watch
over your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life.” -
Proverbs 4:23
Our physical, mental and
emotional boundaries define how we interact with others, and how we allow others
to interact with us. Emotional boundaries define what our feelings are as
compared to someone else's feelings. We should take responsibility only for our
own feelings and needs, and allow others to do the same (Proverbs
19:19). Physical boundaries define who
can touch us, how they touch us and how physically close a particular person
may approach us. Mental boundaries concern our thoughts. They prevent us from
being compulsive people pleasers or mimicking another’s opinions and ignoring
our own. They allow us to say "No" and to ask for what we need.
Those
of us raised in dysfunctional families probably
have little experience with healthy boundaries. This can result in us
disconnecting from who we really are. We learned to hide our true identity from
others in an attempt to protect our self from getting hurt. A problem arises
when we hide our authentic self for so long, that we actually forget who we
really are and what we really need as an individual. Boundaries allow us to get
close to others without getting hurt. We need boundaries, otherwise, we will
not know where we start and others end.
A person without boundaries
will not realize when someone is physically, emotionally or intellectually
abusing them until it is too late and they are already wounded. When we have
healthy boundaries, we know when people are violating our personal space. We
then put emotional and/or physical distance between them and us, until they are
ready to ask our forgiveness (Luke 17:3,4). Boundaries are not fixed. We can rearrange them
according to what we feel and who we are within any given moment. When our
boundaries are intact, we honor our individual thoughts, feelings and actions,
which differ from those around us. Therefore,
learning how to establish boundaries is an important goal in our personal
growth.
In order to erect boundaries
we must first find our self-worth in Christ and then overcome the tendency to
live passively. Boundaries allow our authentic self to feel safe enough to
emerge. Healthy boundaries become the fences that keep us safe - something we
may have never experienced before we erected them. They are not walls without
doors. They are fences with gates. We allow only safe people to enter our gate.
Everyone else may talk to us from the other side of the fence. If they no
longer want our friendship, then we give them the freedom to walk out of our
life.
As we learn to identify and
respect our rights and needs, we become skilled at assertively (not
aggressively - Proverbs 15:1)
taking care of our self in relationships (Colossians 4:5). If others get upset with us for taking care of our
self, that is their problem. An assertive person expresses their views clearly
and articulately without being overpowering and obnoxious. Assertive people
stand up for their own and other people's rights in a reasonable and clear way.
We allow other people to express their opinions without allowing them to
dominate us (Leviticus
19:15,17). We have courage to express
our own feelings, even about difficult issues and controversial subjects, in a
way which is respectful and honest. This takes practice!
Those, whose boundaries are
too rigid, live in fear of failure, rejection, abuse and life in general. They
appear aloof and distant, and do not talk about feelings or show emotions. They
exhibit extreme self-sufficiency, and do not ask for help. They do not allow
anyone to get physically or emotionally close to them. Those whose boundaries are too loose often
lead chaotic lives, full of drama, as if they lived in houses with no walls.
They touch and allow others to touch them inappropriately. They take on the
feelings of others as their own, easily become emotionally overwhelmed, giving
too much, taking too much, and in constant need of reassurance. They may expect
others to read their minds, and think they can read the minds of others. They
say "Yes," when they want to say "NO." They feel responsible for the feelings of
others and for making others happy.
Those
with healthy boundaries are firm, but flexible. They are comfortable with who they are, and they
make others comfortable around them. They respect others and give and accept
support. However, they are clear about owning only their own feelings, needs,
opinions and rights. They know they are responsible for their own happiness and
allow others to be responsible for their own happiness. They are able to
negotiate in order to develop a Plan C, when neither Plan A nor Plan B is
acceptable to both parties. They have empathy and compassion for others. They
are able to make mistakes because they know who they are in Christ. They
respect diversity, but they appreciate their own personal identity. God Word
advises us to
take constant, diligent ownership and stewardship over our souls, and to be
careful of what is going on there (Proverbs 4:23).
Prayer:
Lord Jesus, help us to trust
You with our soul. Negative emotions in our soul signal an assault on one of
our boundaries. Teach us to pay attention to our negative emotions and to pray
about what is causing them and what to do about them. If we cannot fix the
issue, remind us to put it in Your capable hand to deal with it in Your timing.
As we
develop boundaries, we discover our authentic self. We reclaim our soul - our
mind, will and emotions - as our own, and we subject it to no one but You. Help us to remember who we are in Christ, because You
loved us enough to die for us.
(Read My Other Posts: “Who
You Are in Christ” and “Who Loves You”.)
Thought for the Day:
It is time to be reunited with an old friend – and that old friend is you.
