Loss is a part of living; but grieving is a lost art. We
do not want to face the pain, so we stuff it inside, wallow in self-pity and
depression, and ignore the one safety valve God gave us to overcome the deep
abiding sadness we carry around with us every hour of every day.
If we would allow Him to, our God of all comfort would
fill us with His joy and peace as we trust in Him. He enables us to overflow
with hope by the power of His Holy Spirit within us (Romans 15:13).
People usually ignore us when we are grieving, because
they do not know what to say. They may want to speak to us but cannot decide
how to word their feelings. This is common and we do not need to feel insecure.
We can simply say, "I am not sure what to say, but I
want you to know that I care about you and that I am here for you in any way
that I can be of help."
We tend to use phrases like: passed on, passed away,
graduated to heaven, went to be with the Lord, etc. Using the word
"died" will allow the grieving person to realize that it is okay to
refer to their loved one in that same way.
We can express our concern by sharing our sorrow that
they are experiencing this loss. "I am so sorry for your loss. I really
care about you. How may I help you?"
A simple, "What do you need from me right now?"
or "What can I do for you?" are appropriate ways to offer help,
because they show you support them during this time of grief.
Do not tell the grieving person that their loved one is
in a better place, or that they will get over their grief in time, or that this
loss was part of God's plan, or that you know how they feel. Instead, ask them,
"How are you feeling right now?"
You do not need to remind them of all they still have to
be thankful for or that they can find comfort in the fact that their loved one
really cared about them.
Do not tell them what they should feel or do. Let God
direct their steps in His timing and way. If they ask you, then start your
comment with, "Have you ever considered …"getting a part-time
job", "volunteering at a shelter", "helping us with our
children's ministry" (in the office, on workdays around the
building).
The worst thing you can say is, "It is time to get
on with your life." You could say, "God still has plans for your life
and He will show them to you as you are ready."
Everyone has a different way to grieve and different time
frames in which to do this. Some take longer than others. Some never get over
the intense feelings of grief and it shapes their future life.
Many friends forget about the grieving person once the
funeral is over. That is when the person needs us the most. Take them shopping,
to get their hair done, or for a quiet walk in the park on a pleasant sunny day.
Take them a hot meal, but do not stay to watch them eat
it. Offer to buy them some groceries or to do their dishes or wash a load of
laundry. These basic needs often get neglected when we are grieving.
Send cheerful cards, invite them to a movie or over to
your house to join mutual friends for dinner. Do not force them to be outgoing
or cheerful. Just allow them to silently enjoy your company.
Honor their requests, don't push your ideas on them, but
ask them, "What would you like to do this week?" Do this regularly
for the first year after their loss. Be patient and don't push them. Love them
with the love of the Lord.
Prayer:
Father God, knowing what to say to a grieving person is
so nerve wracking and our ineptitude is paralyzing. Teach us how to comfort. Give
us Your Holy Spirit's wisdom for how to minister to each new grieving person.
Put Your ideas in our mind, inspire our creativity with Your ideas on how to be
a special blessing to this grieving friend, relative or church member.
We also ask that You comfort us in our grief. Help us not
to wallow in self-pity but to rise and shine with each new day and to seek Your
will in each new moment. Help us to realize that You have plans for us that do
not include our loved one; and that we still have purpose and meaning for our
life in You.
Thought for the Day:
Give a bereaving person the gift of your time and
attention.
