The Lost Art of Grieving

Loss is a part of living; but grieving is a lost art. We do not want to face the pain, so we stuff it inside, wallow in self-pity and depression, and ignore the one safety valve God gave us to overcome the deep abiding sadness we carry around with us every hour of every day.

If we would allow Him to, our God of all comfort would fill us with His joy and peace as we trust in Him. He enables us to overflow with hope by the power of His Holy Spirit within us (Romans 15:13).

People usually ignore us when we are grieving, because they do not know what to say. They may want to speak to us but cannot decide how to word their feelings. This is common and we do not need to feel insecure.

We can simply say, "I am not sure what to say, but I want you to know that I care about you and that I am here for you in any way that I can be of help."

We tend to use phrases like: passed on, passed away, graduated to heaven, went to be with the Lord, etc. Using the word "died" will allow the grieving person to realize that it is okay to refer to their loved one in that same way.

We can express our concern by sharing our sorrow that they are experiencing this loss. "I am so sorry for your loss. I really care about you. How may I help you?"

A simple, "What do you need from me right now?" or "What can I do for you?" are appropriate ways to offer help, because they show you support them during this time of grief.

Do not tell the grieving person that their loved one is in a better place, or that they will get over their grief in time, or that this loss was part of God's plan, or that you know how they feel. Instead, ask them, "How are you feeling right now?"

You do not need to remind them of all they still have to be thankful for or that they can find comfort in the fact that their loved one really cared about them.

Do not tell them what they should feel or do. Let God direct their steps in His timing and way. If they ask you, then start your comment with, "Have you ever considered …"getting a part-time job", "volunteering at a shelter", "helping us with our children's ministry" (in the office, on workdays around the building). 

The worst thing you can say is, "It is time to get on with your life." You could say, "God still has plans for your life and He will show them to you as you are ready."

Everyone has a different way to grieve and different time frames in which to do this. Some take longer than others. Some never get over the intense feelings of grief and it shapes their future life.

Many friends forget about the grieving person once the funeral is over. That is when the person needs us the most. Take them shopping, to get their hair done, or for a quiet walk in the park on a pleasant sunny day.

Take them a hot meal, but do not stay to watch them eat it. Offer to buy them some groceries or to do their dishes or wash a load of laundry. These basic needs often get neglected when we are grieving.

Send cheerful cards, invite them to a movie or over to your house to join mutual friends for dinner. Do not force them to be outgoing or cheerful. Just allow them to silently enjoy your company.

Honor their requests, don't push your ideas on them, but ask them, "What would you like to do this week?" Do this regularly for the first year after their loss. Be patient and don't push them. Love them with the love of the Lord.

Prayer:

Father God, knowing what to say to a grieving person is so nerve wracking and our ineptitude is paralyzing. Teach us how to comfort. Give us Your Holy Spirit's wisdom for how to minister to each new grieving person. Put Your ideas in our mind, inspire our creativity with Your ideas on how to be a special blessing to this grieving friend, relative or church member.

We also ask that You comfort us in our grief. Help us not to wallow in self-pity but to rise and shine with each new day and to seek Your will in each new moment. Help us to realize that You have plans for us that do not include our loved one; and that we still have purpose and meaning for our life in You.

Thought for the Day:

Give a bereaving person the gift of your time and attention.

Surviving Lonliness

When we lose a loved one, our job, our home, our church family or a beloved pet, depression often hinders our mind from seeing any joy in life. We wallow in self-pity and hide under the covers, nursing our wounds. 

Of course, we have a right to grieve, and it is very healthy for us to do so; but we often carry it way too far. We may even turn to addictions to erase our pain. We can choose to be lonely, or we can choose to reach out. A smile will change our whole attitude. 

Of course, a fake smile will wear thin and tears will often wash it away. The smile must come from our heart; therefore we need to think of something or someone that honestly makes us happy. The fact that Jesus saved us for eternity always puts a smile on my face.

Serving in our church family puts a song in our heart and a smile in our steps. Reading our Bible and other spiritual books, listening to praise music or watching inspirational movies and testimonies will also help to bring us up from the pit of depression. 

In addition, we can return to a previous interest, start a new hobby or get together with former, cherished friends. Making new memories and meeting wholesome new friends can also change our life.

Often our friends are too shy to reach out, or do not know what to say or how to help us. So, please communicate how you feel, return calls, invite people over for dinner or go out with the crowd and get lost in it. Some former friends may drift out of your life, but let them go. God has new friends for you just around the corner. Trust in Him to see you through this trying time and to bring you safely to His eternal joy.

Prayer:

Father God, You always use the negative aspects of our life for our good (Romans 8:28). We may not see anything positive at this time, but in hindsight, it becomes very clear that You had a purpose in it all (Proverbs 5:21). 

 We often want the answers now, but You have Your very own time and way to meet all of our needs (Proverbs 3:5-6). Remind us that rather than doing all of the talking during our times of prayer, that we need to listen in order to hear Your voice.

Thought for the Day:

Jesus comforts us with the consolation He received from our Father; and we can turn around and comfort others with the same reassurance He gives to us in our time of need. - 2 Corinthians 1:4

The Emotions of Our Soul

God made human beings as a trinity, much as He is. The soul is one of the most spectacular parts of this trinity (body, soul, spirit). The soul includes our thoughts, decisions and emotions. These aspects of the human life are amazing when you consider the depth and ramifications of each of them. Our mind is an impressive, intricate physical organ made up of chemical charges and cells, which store every single word and event that ever occurs in our life.

God gave us so many emotions. Each main emotion branches off into dozens of nuances. Take anger for instance. Anger can be expressed in tones from mild annoyance all the way to extreme and violent rage. Here are some other emotions, which come in between these two extremes:

Soft Anger 
Annoyed, Frustrated, Cross, Apathetic, Peeved, Irritated, Cranky, Crabby, Bored, Impatient, Critical, Cold, Displeased, Rankled, Detached, Indifferent

Medium Anger 
Angry, Mad, Offended, Antagonized, Bristling, Sarcastic, Aggravated, Arrogant, Indignant, Inflamed, Affronted, Resentful, Incensed, Exasperated, Riled up

Intense Anger
Hostile, Aggressive, Livid, Outraged, Furious, Belligerent, Hateful, Appalled, Bitter, Ranting, Raving, Contemptuous, Disgusted, Vengeful, Vindictive, Violent, Irate, Menacing, Seething, Vicious, Spiteful

See what I mean! Feelings are aroused by verbal and physical signals, which we receive from stimuli, such as photos, nature scenes, people, pets, etc all throughout our day. Even inanimate objects like a car, jet plane or places elicit emotions from our soul.

The problem is that we often base our choices and decision on feelings. They are transitory and temporary at best, but the selections we make because of how we feel affect us for the rest of our life. God replaces our negative responses with the fruit of His Spirit. He calls us to temper our emotional responses with spiritual direction from His Spirit.

Prayer:

Father God, we have emotions that are so intense at times that we do not know what to do with them. We erupt in a negative emotion or wallow in self-pity and depression because we feel so overwhelmed. Help us to submit our soul to You for sanctification and to come to Your Spirit to receive Your fruit (Galatians 5:22-23), the character of Christ, in place of our negative human emotions.

Thought for the Day:

God’s Spirit replaces our negative attributes with His positive fruit. - Galatians 5:22-23

For more info on other emotions, see this page:

http://karlamclaren.com/emotional-vocabulary-page/

The Tyranny of Life

 

Too often we miss out on what God wants us to see in this one particular moment of time. We are so sad about something in the past, and too fearful about the unknown aspects of the future, that we forget to rejoice in today. We miss out on the grace of God, because we are too busy wanting what we do not have. We forfeit the peace and joy of the Lord, because we take for granted the gifts from God that we do have. We are too busy yearning for something, which we think will make us happy. We are not content or satisfied with God’s provisions in our life right now.

We act like the Israelites who were never satisfied with anything God provided for them. We have an image of what we want in our life and we disdain everything else. We overlook the true blessings from God because He did not provide like we expected Him to, or in the timing that we desired. Satan whispers his lies in our ear during our most vulnerable times and we believe them. We end up believing Satan’s lies over God’s truth. We torture our self with our thoughts.

Our fear, frustration and discontentment in life come from a soul that is worshipping something or someone else more than we are worshipping God. We have an idol in our life. We long for a person, place or thing more than we long for more of God in our life. We fail to see that God’s love is enough. Period. God will honor you for putting Him first in your life. He will use you to make a difference for His Kingdom.

When you get to heaven a sea of people that you do not even know will run up to you and thank you for your service and sacrifice; because you inspired the person who led them to Christ. So forget about your self and what you think you need. Immerse your mind in thoughts about making a difference for Christ, and your time in actions involving the Kingdom of God. Then He will provide you with everything you need in His timing and way. He will meet all of your needs according to His riches in glory (Philippians 4:19).

If we spend all of our time focusing on what we do not have, quoting scripture at God in an attempt to force His hand to supply our needs the way we want Him to, or allowing self-pity to eat us alive from the inside out, then we will overlook all of the blessings God has for us right now in this moment. The only way to find deliverance and redemption from the tyranny of life is to be grateful for this one moment of time and to praise God in it and for it.

Prayer:

Father God, You transform our pain and trials into victories as long as we look to You in the midst of them. Forgive us for wanting anything in this life more than we want You. Help us to be satisfied with Your provision and not to make demands on You. Remind us that You know what is best for us, and that You will give us what You want us to have in Your timing and way. Remind us not to spend part of our day with You, but to spend every moment of our day with you instead, listening to Your Spirit and walking in Your will for our life.

Thought for the Day:

God always sustains us with His love, even in our times of suffering and loss.