Read: 1 John 4: 7-13
“He makes me lie down in
green pastures; he leads me beside still waters; he restores my soul. He leads
me in right paths for his name’s sake.” - Psalm 23:
2-3
For most of my childhood, in
order to feel confident as a person, I sought affirmation from other people.
However, I rarely receive encouragement for the tasks I performed well, only
correction for what I did wrong.
Therefore, I never felt like I was ever really
good enough, or that I measured up to anyone’s expectations. I felt less than
accepted. At the hands of wounded parents, who did their best for me, I
nonetheless suffered emotional deprivation and verbal abuse, as well as
frequent physical abuse. I used to wish upon the first star every night that I
could be a good girl, so my parents would love me.
With my lack of self-worth,
I left my parents’ home at 18 and two years later turned to a husband. I hoped
that he would complete me and meet my needs for affection and fulfillment - too
tall an order for any mate. I came into our union with a neurotic soul starving
from emotional deprivation.
He came from a place of intellectual independence
and emotional distance. He disdained my emotions. He had no more idea about how
to nurture a mate in an interdependent relationship than I did.
We stumbled
blindly through over twenty years of marriage in an inharmonious cycle. The
less he gave, the more I wanted; and when I wanted more, he gave even less.
He
felt that I demanded too much from him, and that I had unrealistic
expectations; I felt like he did not love me enough to really care about having
a reciprocal nurturing relationship with me.
He always provided for our
basic needs; but he continually pursued various dreams, most of which never
bore much fruit. We moved often, and he rarely kept the same job or lived in
the same house for more than a few years at a time.
This nomadic existence
dealt another wounding blow to my innate need for stability in my life. In an
attempt to be supportive, I adjusted to each situation to the best of my
ability, but each move took a devastating toll on my soul.
I continually lived,
as a barely-surviving codependent, on a nearly empty emotional tank. I felt
more and more bitterness and anger because my needs were rarely met.
I constantly put others
above myself. Then, I vainly looked to others to nurture me in return. I took
this concept from the Christian principle taught in 1 John 4:7-13. However, I
constantly served my family, my church and my neighbors, only to receive some of what I needed from those rare
individuals whom God provided to nurture me.
What I did not realize is that I
served others because I loved people, rather than out of a love for God and in
obedience to His Holy Spirit within me. Thankfully, God came to my rescue near
my 40th birthday.
My boss, a fellow
codependent, enlightened me to the fact that I am a person too, and I
could minister to my own needs, just as I take care of the needs of others. She
informed me that I did not need to wait on someone else to fulfill my needs.
She reprimanded me with the thought that I could only love my family, church
and neighbors to the same degree that I loved myself (James
2:8).
That day started me on a journey
to total fulfillment. She also introduced me to the thought that God did not
design marriage to provide contentment for two unfulfilled people. According to
His design, two completed individuals marry and enhance life for one another.
When two content people also
enjoy an intimate personal relationship with the living Lord, they join
together and live in a reciprocal, interdependent relationship with one
another. Unfortunately for my marriage, at this same time, my husband decided
there was no option for us but divorce. He advised me to return to my hometown.
There I obtained a job, which nurtured my soul, teaching Montessori school. In
the following two years, the changes in me were close to miraculous. I learned
that God is my true husband (Isaiah 54:5). I discovered that in Christ I never lack any good thing (Psalm
34:10). I learned to listen to my soul –
my mind, will and emotions - and to meet my needs rather than abandoning myself
and caring for everyone else, as I had done all of my life.
Once I realized the ill
affects of codependency and that meeting my needs was not selfish, I was no
longer so physically burdened and emotionally deprived. I accomplished more
during the day, because I had more energy. I laughed more often. I spent more
time on hobbies and creativity and less on duties and chores. I also started
walking, riding bike or swimming every day.
I planted several gardens and
gained serenity in return for nurturing those fledgling plants. I spent more
time searching God’s Word for instructional verses that pertained to my
situation in life; and I took careful notes that God is using in my life today
in order to help other women to reach inner fulfillment that depends upon God
and no one else. (Stay tuned for Part 2!)
Prayer:
O God, you are my God; I
earnestly search for you. My soul thirsts for you; my whole body longs for you in this parched and weary land where there is no water.
Your unfailing love is better than life itself. I will praise you as long as I
live, lifting up my hands to you in prayer. You satisfy me more than the richest
feast.
I will praise you with songs of joy. I lie awake thinking of you,
meditating on you through the night. Because you are my helper, I sing for joy
in the shadow of your wings. I cling to you; your strong right hand holds me
securely. - Psalm 63:1-8
Thought For the Day:
“For
your Maker is your husband - the Lord Almighty is his name.” - Isaiah 54:5
