The Lover of My Soul - Part 1

Read: 1 John 4: 7-13

“He makes me lie down in green pastures; he leads me beside still waters; he restores my soul. He leads me in right paths for his name’s sake.” - Psalm 23: 2-3 

For most of my childhood, in order to feel confident as a person, I sought affirmation from other people. However, I rarely receive encouragement for the tasks I performed well, only correction for what I did wrong. 

Therefore, I never felt like I was ever really good enough, or that I measured up to anyone’s expectations. I felt less than accepted. At the hands of wounded parents, who did their best for me, I nonetheless suffered emotional deprivation and verbal abuse, as well as frequent physical abuse. I used to wish upon the first star every night that I could be a good girl, so my parents would love me.

With my lack of self-worth, I left my parents’ home at 18 and two years later turned to a husband. I hoped that he would complete me and meet my needs for affection and fulfillment - too tall an order for any mate. I came into our union with a neurotic soul starving from emotional deprivation. 

He came from a place of intellectual independence and emotional distance. He disdained my emotions. He had no more idea about how to nurture a mate in an interdependent relationship than I did. 

We stumbled blindly through over twenty years of marriage in an inharmonious cycle. The less he gave, the more I wanted; and when I wanted more, he gave even less. 

He felt that I demanded too much from him, and that I had unrealistic expectations; I felt like he did not love me enough to really care about having a reciprocal nurturing relationship with me.

He always provided for our basic needs; but he continually pursued various dreams, most of which never bore much fruit. We moved often, and he rarely kept the same job or lived in the same house for more than a few years at a time.

This nomadic existence dealt another wounding blow to my innate need for stability in my life. In an attempt to be supportive, I adjusted to each situation to the best of my ability, but each move took a devastating toll on my soul. 

I continually lived, as a barely-surviving codependent, on a nearly empty emotional tank. I felt more and more bitterness and anger because my needs were rarely met.

I constantly put others above myself. Then, I vainly looked to others to nurture me in return. I took this concept from the Christian principle taught in 1 John 4:7-13. However, I constantly served my family, my church and my neighbors, only to  receive some of what I needed from those rare individuals whom God provided to nurture me. 

What I did not realize is that I served others because I loved people, rather than out of a love for God and in obedience to His Holy Spirit within me. Thankfully, God came to my rescue near my 40^th birthday.

My boss, a fellow codependent, enlightened me to the fact that I am a person too, and I could minister to my own needs, just as I take care of the needs of others. She informed me that I did not need to wait on someone else to fulfill my needs. She reprimanded me with the thought that I could only love my family, church and neighbors to the same degree that I loved myself (James 2:8). 

That day started me on a journey to total fulfillment. She also introduced me to the thought that God did not design marriage to provide contentment for two unfulfilled people. According to His design, two completed individuals marry and enhance life for one another.

When two content people also enjoy an intimate personal relationship with the living Lord, they join together and live in a reciprocal, interdependent relationship with one another. Unfortunately for my marriage, at this same time, my husband decided there was no option for us but divorce. He advised me to return to my hometown. 

There I obtained a job, which nurtured my soul, teaching Montessori school. In the following two years, the changes in me were close to miraculous. I learned that God is my true husband (Isaiah 54:5). I discovered that in Christ I never lack any good thing (Psalm 34:10). I learned to listen to my soul – my mind, will and emotions - and to meet my needs rather than abandoning myself and caring for everyone else, as I had done all of my life.

Once I realized the ill affects of codependency and that meeting my needs was not selfish, I was no longer so physically burdened and emotionally deprived. I accomplished more during the day, because I had more energy. I laughed more often. I spent more time on hobbies and creativity and less on duties and chores. I also started walking, riding bike or swimming every day. 

I planted several gardens and gained serenity in return for nurturing those fledgling plants. I spent more time searching God’s Word for instructional verses that pertained to my situation in life; and I took careful notes that God is using in my life today in order to help other women to reach inner fulfillment that depends upon God and no one else. (Stay tuned for Part 2!)

Prayer:

O God, you are my God; I earnestly search for you. My soul thirsts for you; my whole body longs for you in this parched and weary land where there is no water. Your unfailing love is better than life itself. I will praise you as long as I live, lifting up my hands to you in prayer. You satisfy me more than the richest feast. 

I will praise you with songs of joy. I lie awake thinking of you, meditating on you through the night. Because you are my helper, I sing for joy in the shadow of your wings. I cling to you; your strong right hand holds me securely. - Psalm 63:1-8

Thought For the Day:

“For your Maker is your husband - the Lord Almighty is his name.” - Isaiah 54:5