My Journey to A Completed Life – Part 1
After conversion, God taught me to articulate my emotions with rational words rather than to curse at the person hurting my feelings. However, even after I eliminated profanity from my vocabulary, I still exploded in anger when someone’s words or behavior caused a fearful or insecure reaction in my soul.
I used excessive anger to protect myself from perceived injustices. My anger struck hot and quickly like a volcano, and I left just as many deep scars behind in my wake. God has an alternate plan of action for us. Rather than to explode in anger, we can rationally communicate to the other person that what they just did or said is not acceptable to us.
People will behave toward us in the way in which we teach them to treat us. If we allow others to abuse us - verbally, mentally, or physically - we are inviting more of that same behavior into our future. However, we can develop a habit of using premeditated wording to express our feelings, rather than to use hasty, angry words to verbally attack the offending party.
Some people may never learn to accept what we say as a valid idea or concern; and they may never change their behavior towards us. Others may abuse us physically without remorse. These people are not safe. We need a firm boundary between them and us. It is better to steer a wide path around such people who tend to abuse us, rather than to constantly put ourselves in harm’s way.
When we take a step back and look at their actions from a spiritual frame of mind, we can pray for them as well as about our response to them. Then we can speak firmly, but kindly in the face of any imposition from them or any attack from them against us. Through practice, I learned to stand up for myself.
I no longer needed to hide behind fierce anger and coarse words as protection against what I perceive as an assault (Ephesians 5:4). God encourages us to live at peace with everyone (Romans 12:18). We cannot ever control another person’s actions or responses towards us, but we can put distance between an abusive person and us.
We do not need to overreact and divorce the person or end a friendship, but we can separate and work on reconciliation between us through counseling and calm discussions. If the other person is cooperative and employs wisdom in order to change their behavior, we gain a friend and brother; but if they cling to their insecurities and hurtful behavior, we have to make decisions to protect our self from their abuse.
My Journey to A Completed Life – Part 2
I spent the first third of my life searching for my identity as I grew from an infant to a woman. After high school, I married and had three children, each eighteen months apart. I supported my husband as Sarah served Abraham (1 Peter 3:6), centering my focus on him and his needs.
In the churches he pastored, I taught in the children’s ministries, and I discipled and mentored the women. I busily served God vicariously through my ministry to my family and our church. Although years earlier I came to understand my need to repent of my sins and to develop a relationship with the true and living God through Jesus Christ, presently my obsessive busyness pervaded every moment of my life.
I knew God; yet, I did not know how to live in union with Him. I loved Him, claimed His promises for my life, and spent my days trying very desperately to please Him. I knew my eternal Salvation was guaranteed by Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross. However, I was so active for God that these distractions prevented me from enjoying a qualitative relationship with Him.
I did not understand that we can live, move, and find our complete identity in Christ (Acts 17:28). I was not aware that we are complete in Him (Colossians 2:10). I wanted to belong, but I had no idea that we are hidden with Christ in God (Colossians 3:3). I did my best to excel as a wife, mother, coworker, church member and community member, but I did not know that Christ is our only real life (Colossians 3:4-6).
I stayed at home with my children in their toddler years, then home schooled them through part of their elementary and middle school years. I center my life around my husband’s and children’s needs, activities, and interests during their high school years. I went to every ball game, band concert, art exhibit, school function, Scouting event, church program, and Taekwondo event in which they participated.
All this while I continued to take my relationship with
God for granted. I had no realization that there was
more to my union with Him than I enjoyed at this time.
I spent time in praise and prayer every morning, and I
prayed for my needs and the needs of others
throughout the day; but I had no deep relationship with
our Father God or Jesus, our King of kings.
My Journey to A Completed Life – Part 3
For most of my childhood, in order to feel confident as a person, I sought affirmation from other people. However, I rarely receive encouragement for the tasks I performed well, only correction for what I did wrong. Therefore, I never felt like I was ever really good enough, or that I measured up to anyone’s expectations.
I felt less than accepted. At the hands of wounded parents, who did their best for me, I nonetheless suffered emotional deprivation and verbal abuse, as well as periodic physical abuse. I used to wish upon the first star every night that I could be a good girl, so my parents would love me.
With my lack of self-worth, I left my parents’ home at 18, and two years later turned to a husband. I hoped that he would complete me and meet my needs for affection and fulfillment - too tall an order for any mate. I came into our union with a neurotic soul that was starving from emotional deprivation.
He came from a place of intellectual independence and emotional distance. He disdained my emotions. He had no more idea about how to nurture a mate in an interdependent relationship than I did. We stumbled blindly through over twenty years of marriage in an inharmonious cycle. The less he gave, the more I wanted; and when I wanted more, he gave even less.
He felt that I demanded too much from him, and that I had unrealistic expectations; I felt like he did not love me enough to really care about having a reciprocal nurturing relationship with me. He always provided for our basic needs; but he continually pursued various dreams, most of which never bore much fruit.
We moved often, and he rarely kept the same job or lived in the same house for more than a few years at a time. This nomadic existence dealt another wounding blow to my innate need for stability in my life. In an attempt to be supportive, I adjusted to each situation to the best of my ability, but each move took a devastating toll on my soul.
I continually lived, as a barely surviving codependent, on a nearly empty emotional tank. I felt more and more bitterness and anger because my needs were rarely met. I constantly put others above myself. Then, I vainly looked to others to nurture me in return. I took this concept from the Christian principle taught in 1 John 4:7-13.
However, I constantly served my family, my church, and my neighbors, only to receive some of what I needed from those rare individuals whom God provided to nurture me. What I did not realize is that I served others because I loved people, rather than out of a love for God and in obedience to His Holy Spirit within me. Thankfully, God came to my rescue near my 40th birthday.
My Journey to A Completed Life – Part 4
During their high school years, I taught my three children to cook, keep up their own laundry, clean a home, and balance their checkbook. Then, they launched out into college, one right after the other. One day, I came to the sudden realization that they did not need me any longer. They had lives of their own.
The empty nest took me by complete surprise. My identity disintegrated. My husband resented me for clinging to him to fulfill my ravenous need for attention. I was alone for much of the time. I had no idea what to do with myself! I still read my Bible, went to the church, and worked in my job; but I was not used to receiving so little attention on a daily basis.
I started to suffer with deep depression and melancholia. The empty house and the barren loneliness haunted me. One day during my quiet time, I thought about the disciples in the upper room. They waited for days for the Holy Spirit of God to come to them, as Jesus promised (Acts 2:1-6; Luke 24:49).
During this time in my life, I decided to wait quietly on the Lord too. This became my own personal Pentecost: a time where day after day I stayed in my prayer closet, until the Lord revealed Himself to me more intimately than ever before. I totally surrendered my will and my life to Him. I truly felt like we were one, just as He and God were one (John 17:21).
As I continued to sit quietly at Jesus’ feet over the successive days, weeks and months (Luke 10:42), God required that I completely empty myself of all of my negative thoughts and feelings, which ruled my life. He taught me how to stay connected to His Holy Spirit throughout the day and to allow His fruit to replace the negative aspects of my personality (Galatians 5:16, 25; Ezekiel 36:27; Romans 8:1, 4).
The hollow place within me eventually filled with His peace and joy that transcended all the circumstances in my life (Philippians 4:6-7). I realized from that moment on, that out of this relationship with the Lord flows our anointed ministry to our family, our church, our workplace, and our community.
God’s Spirit within us allows us to ride serenely in the wake of every storm in our life. We are never alone or lonely, because He lives within us, fills us, fulfills us, and makes us complete in Him (Hebrews 13:5; Colossians 1:27, 2:10; Romans 15:13). This requires us to pray without ceasing, not to rely on our own human understanding, and to consult God before we make any decisions (Proverbs 3:5-6).
His love pours over us like a waterfall, if we will quiet our soul – our mind, will and emotions – long enough to experience His ever-present help within us (Psalm 46:10; Isaiah 58:11).Soon after this time of sitting still before the Lord, I went to work at a fast-food restaurant. Thankfully, my boss identified with my place in life.
She pointed out to me that I was a person too. She reminded me that I could minister to my own needs, just like I ministered to the needs in others. It was not necessary for me to codependently wait on my children, a husband, or a best friend to make me happy or fulfilled. We are sufficient with Christ within us to live as a whole, completed person (Colossians 2:10).
My Journey to A Completed Life – Part 5
This former boss, a fellow codependent, enlightened me to the fact that I am a person too, and I could minister to my own needs, just as I take care of the needs of others. She informed me that I did not need to wait on someone else to fulfill my needs. She reprimanded me with the thought that I could only love my family, church, and neighbors to the same degree that I loved myself (James 2:8).
That day started me on a journey to total fulfillment. She also introduced me to the thought that God did not design marriage to provide contentment for two unfulfilled people. According to His design, two completed individuals marry and enhance life for one another. When two content people also enjoy an intimate personal relationship with the living Lord, they join together and live in a reciprocal, interdependent relationship with one another.
Unfortunately for my marriage, at this same time, my husband decided there was no option for us but divorce. He advised me to return to my hometown. There I obtained a job , teaching in a Montessori school, which nurtured my soul. In the following two years, the changes in me were close to miraculous.
I learned that God is my true husband (Isaiah 54:5). I discovered that in Christ I never lack any good thing (Psalm 34:10). I learned to listen to my soul – my mind, will and emotions - and to meet my needs rather than abandoning myself and caring for everyone else, as I previously did all my life.
Once I realized the ill effects of codependency and that meeting my needs was not selfish, I was no longer so physically drained and emotionally deprived. I accomplished more during the day because I had more energy. I laughed more often. I spent more time on hobbies and creativity, and less on duties and chores.
I also started walking, riding bike, or swimming every day. I planted several gardens and gained serenity in return for nurturing those fledgling plants. I spent more time searching God’s Word for instructional verses that pertained to my situation in life; and I took careful notes that God is using in my life today in order to help other women to reach inner fulfillment that depends upon God and no one else.
A My Journey to A Completed Life – Part 6
So many Christians still fall into the trap of attempting to gain their esteem through self-effort. We want to feel good about our self, because of the belittling, condescension, and criticism we so often receive from satanic lies and discontented people in our life. Life positions us for this tendency by rejecting or punishing us for our failings.
The good news is that, in Christ, our failings are not failures. They are simply lapses in judgment, over-reactions in a situation, or misinformed decisions. The solution to this is to walk in God’s Spirit each moment of the day, with our focus on His direction and not on our human thoughts, plans, and goals (Proverbs 3:5-6). God gives us praise for our successes, good behavior, and accomplishments.
Walking in the Spirit requires thinking with the mind of Christ, rather than relying on our human observations (1 Corinthians 2:16; Galatians 5:15-25). God’s plan for us started before our birth and continues to our last breath (Psalm 139:13-14; Philippians 1:6; Ephesians 2:10). At salvation, we died to our human mind-set, and Christ is now our whole life (Galatians 2:20; Colossians 3:3-4; 1 Corinthians 2:3-5).
Through God’s Spirit, we have the ability, confidence, love and self-discipline to live a successful life (2 Timothy 1:7; Proverbs 3:26; Psalm 138:8). Our self-esteem comes from Christ in us, and God’s unconditional love for us. Even during trials, our confidence in God and His promises remain steadfast and true (Hebrews 10:35-36; Matthew 6:34; James 1:12).
We boldly approach God’s throne to receive forgiveness and grace in our times of need (Hebrews 4:16). Christ and His Spirit within us strengthen us to walk in God’s will all the days of our life (Philippians 4:13; Acts 1:8). This gives us more confidence than anything we could ever accomplish through our own self-efforts.
My Journey to A Completed Life – The Finale
At this same time that I was growing into a deeper intimacy in my union with the Trinity of God, my husband went through a dark night in his soul. He decided there was no option for us but divorce. God had a purpose even in this, however. Since I had that deep, abiding relationship with Christ now, and I learned how to meet my own needs, I was not overwhelmed by his defection.
I was one with Christ and I lived with the assurance that God loved me unconditionally (John 15:4; Romans 5:8). God had a plan for my life that did not include my former husband or my children. They had their own lives now, and God had a fulfilling life in store for me as well. Over the next eighteen months, I put into practice everything I had learned at Jesus’ feet.
I followed His Spirit’s leading for each new day’s adventures, and I looked forward to Him writing the new chapters of my life. One night, the Spirit led me to help a girlfriend with her project at Books-a-Million bookstore. There I met a Pastor whose wife was divorcing him. We had a great deal in common and hung out together or talked on the phone every day after that.
He had young children, and I helped him to do their laundry and to fix wholesome meals for them. We soon realized that God wanted more for us than friendship. God took the ashes of our individual lives and forged from them a union of beauty in spite of hardships, misunderstandings, and trials. We enjoyed a harmonious pastoral ministry to God's people ever since.
Now, even when my husband’s schedule keeps us separated for much of the time, when I do not hear from my children for months on end, and my friends are busy with other pursuits, I still have the abiding presence of the Lord filling my days and nights. My unity with the Lord is the foundation for my life. This brings fulfillment to me that no earthly relationship provides.
Prayer:
Father God, even when I am alone, I am never lonely. Your unconditional love transcends any lapse in the circumstances of my life. You are truly all we need (Acts 17:28). As we continuously abide in You, we have Your love that surpasses anything available to us on this human plane. Each and every day, You fill us through our entire being with all of Your fullness and You give us the richest measure of Your Spirit to sustain us in our body, soul, and spirit (Ephesians 3:16-19).
You are our God of hope, and You fill us with all joy and peace as we trust in You alone. We expect nothing in return for our dedication and living a life of praise to You, but You give us so much more than we ever knew we could possibly access on this side of heaven. We overflow with hope by the power of Your Holy Spirit, who guides us through every moment of our life and sustains us mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and financially (Romans 15:13). Your Word is a lamp for our feet, and a light for our path (Psalm 119:105).
Thoughts for the Day:
We are complete in Christ, lacking nothing that we need to sustain us in our lifetime on this earth (Colossians 2:10; Psalm 23:1; James 1:4). We enjoy God’s divine appointments for us, and we find joy in fulfilling His plans for us during each and every day – even if they are as mundane as washing loads of laundry, cleaning floors, dusting furniture, cooking healthy meals, and supporting our mate, our family, and our church family in every way that God’s Spirit leads us, we find joy and fulfillment in each of them because we do them for the glory of God and by His power within us.
