First, please see
below and read
Part 1 & 2 -
Healing Emotional Wounds
Addictions are
often an escape from the pain of hurt feelings. Compulsive addictions and
behaviors of any kind (work, food, gambling, alcohol, drugs, shopping, affairs,
relationships, etc) are ways to avoid facing our inner pain, to avoid taking
responsibility for our self, and to artificially free our Inner Child from
inhibitions, which normally hamper the expression of our true self. These
behaviors temporarily deaden the pain or free our soul from inhibitions, but
they also wipe out the joy of being complete in Christ (Colossians 2:10). Our nurturing Inner Parent can help our wounded Inner
Child to uncover the hidden pain that we are avoiding and to receive healing
from the Lord.
Often instead of
expressing anger over some unjust situation, we turn the anger inward. This
results in depression, fear, frustration, worry, embarrassment, fatigue, etc.
We end up with a distressed and wounded Inner Child. In order to heal, we need
to fully express these pent-up feelings and to allow the wounds from our past
to surface. Listening to our Inner Child's pain with our nurturing Inner Parent
and our rational Inner Adult gives validity to our feelings. We can also then
realize that the person who caused our pain also has unfinished business and
pain from their own past that has influenced their behavior, which wounded us.
We need to
provide a safe place to deal with these tender issues in our life. We must give
our wounded Inner Child focused, unhurried, non-judgmental time to express the
thoughts foremost in his/her mind. If we do not take this time, then people and
events will continually trigger the pain from deep within our subconscious
mind. This may cause an overreaction in us and from us, over some insignificant
issue currently occurring. Sometimes, overreactions are also caused by allowing
several little annoyances to build up over a period of time. This is avoided by
journaling our feelings daily and honestly communicating with our true self and
then with the people involved.
When a present
event touches a tender spot from the past, this "trigger" event is
usually only the tip of the iceberg of pain. Unresolved conflicts from the past
are buried deep below the surface of our conscious mind. An overreaction can be
a positive thing, if we use it to pinpoint the source of our pain. Pain needs
to be dealt with honestly and directly in order to be laid to rest permanently.
Negative feelings use up our power and energy. In order to be a vital human
being, we need to be free from these encumbering old voices in our mind and the
painful memories from our past. We may still remember the incident, but once
God heals us, the pain involved in it is gone.
Unfinished
business will stand between relating to yourself and others freely in the
present moment. Denied negative feelings remain alive and dangerous. An
accumulation of buried negative feelings puts your mind and body under harmful
stress. Mental and physical health is directly related to the degree to which
you are in touch with all of your emotions. You do not need to share them with
anyone else; but you do need to give your Inner Adult permission to be aware of
them as they happen. They must be faced constructively so that God can reveal
the truth to you about them. Then complete freedom hinges on forgiving the
perpetrators and letting go of the bitterness that accompanies the
memories.
If you take a
vacation and revisit the people and places from your childhood, you may be
surprised to notice that they are not as large or as threatening as you
remember them. This is because your Inner Child originally experienced this
pain in the past, but now you also have your Inner Parent and Inner Adult. Your
physical and emotional perspective changed because you were much smaller when
the incidents occurred. You may be equally surprised, when you choose to have
the courage to face the pain of the past; with your present perspective, it may
not be as painful as you remember it.
As you journal or
verbalize your feelings, words may not be sufficient. You may need to allow
tears, and moans from the deepest part of your inner self, to be released. You
may want to hire the services of a trained professional to walk you through
this healing process. Sometimes, dreams will be the release mechanism our mind
uses to free us from the pain of our past. Reoccurring dreams, or themes in
dreams, may provide a clue to unlock some door from the past. Look up dream
interpretation sites online to help you unlock the messages that your dreams
are trying to relate to you.
Once you uncover and express these painful memories,
imagine yourself holding your Inner Child. Cuddle her in your arms...some
people hold a favorite doll or teddy bear in proxy for their Inner Child.
Gently rock your imagined Inner Child in your arms, speak words of reassurance.
Apologize for your failure to him/her in the past, vow to meet current needs,
to give protection, and to love him/her unconditionally from now on. Some
people may balk at this idea, but many find it very helpful.
Now, review these
same situations in your mind. Imagine yourself being a protective and nurturing
Inner Parent to your Inner Child this time. Envision the person who originally
inflicted this pain. Realize they too have a wounded Inner Child. Forgive their
offense toward you and get free of this memory. All unforgiveness ties you to
that hurtful person in a negative way. After you experience the freedom of
forgiving those in your past who hurt you, get involved in some task requiring
physical exertion. This will help revitalize your drained body and
emotions…jog, walk, swim, play a sport, act in drama, sing in the choir, take a
class or learn a new hobby. Of course, you may just want to take a nap!
The critical
Inner Parent causes a great deal of havoc in our soul. Each time your critical
Inner Parent denies your Inner Child the opportunity to experience an approved
feeling or activity you are giving up a real and vital part of experiencing
"you" as a complete person. Someone else’s rejection of us becomes
unbearable when it is joined by our own self-rejection. Often people will
refrain from admitting they are wrong, because they fear being overcome by
shame. Your wounded Inner Child actually believes you will “die”, if he/she is
too vulnerable.
Therefore, some
people will even lie to themselves and to others, in order to keep from facing
the truth. Others hide behind masks to keep people from knowing their true
self. God frees us to allow our self the freedom of being vulnerable. We can
honestly reveal our true feelings and opinions now. God’s opinion of us is the
only one that really matters, and He already knows the secrets of our soul. If
shame should arise, you can remember that there is “now no condemnation for
those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but
according to the Spirit” (Romans 8:1).
Start by taking
small steps. When you are around true friends and close family members, you can
risk expressing your true feelings. Even if one or more of those people
discount your feelings or disagree with you, you can realize that you are a
person of worth, just as they are. You are both entitled to hold your own
opinions. You can joyfully agree to disagree and then go on to the next topic
of conversation.
The goal of inner
healing is to help us to live as an integrated person. We can learn from the
past, and pray for wisdom and courage to meet the future. The present is the only time we really have.
So, “take no thought for tomorrow” and live one minute at a time. When we
cannot accept a situation, we can change our focus by functioning in the Inner
Adult ego state and taking into account the feelings of our Inner Child and
Inner Parent. We empathetically consider the fears of the Inner Child; take
into consideration the advice of the Inner Parent, consult the Lord’s wisdom
for the situation and then follow His Holy Spirit moment by moment throughout
the day.
Prayer:
Lord Jesus, help
us to develop the habit of being grateful, so that we can possess health in our
soul. I will start to keep a list of all the blessings You provide for me each
day, and then read over them each night before I go to bed in order to give You
praise. I will also make a list of my positive personality character traits and
thank You for what You have already done in my life. I look forward to the
growth You will continue to provide for me in the future.
Thought for the
Day:
When I enjoy the
blessings that are already mine, I develop a more positive outlook on life.
Recommended
Reading on this Topic:
The Christian
Codependence Recovery Workbook: From Surviving to Significance by Stephanie A. Tucker
Your Child's Self Esteem, Celebrate Yourself -
Both by Dorothy Briggs
People Making by Virginia Satir
You Inner Child of the Past by Hugh
Misseldine
Born To Win by Muriel James
How to Be Your Own Best Friend by Mildred Newman, Bernard
Berkowitz, Jean Owen
Introduce Your Marriage to Transactional Analysis,
a TA Primer
by Leonard Campos and Paul McCormick
Codependent No More, Beyond
Codependency, The Language of Letting
Go All by Melody Beattie
