Part 3 - Healing Emotional Wounds

First, please see below and read
Part 1 & 2 - Healing Emotional Wounds
 

Addictions are often an escape from the pain of hurt feelings. Compulsive addictions and behaviors of any kind (work, food, gambling, alcohol, drugs, shopping, affairs, relationships, etc) are ways to avoid facing our inner pain, to avoid taking responsibility for our self, and to artificially free our Inner Child from inhibitions, which normally hamper the expression of our true self. These behaviors temporarily deaden the pain or free our soul from inhibitions, but they also wipe out the joy of being complete in Christ (Colossians 2:10). Our nurturing Inner Parent can help our wounded Inner Child to uncover the hidden pain that we are avoiding and to receive healing from the Lord.

Often instead of expressing anger over some unjust situation, we turn the anger inward. This results in depression, fear, frustration, worry, embarrassment, fatigue, etc. We end up with a distressed and wounded Inner Child. In order to heal, we need to fully express these pent-up feelings and to allow the wounds from our past to surface. Listening to our Inner Child's pain with our nurturing Inner Parent and our rational Inner Adult gives validity to our feelings. We can also then realize that the person who caused our pain also has unfinished business and pain from their own past that has influenced their behavior, which wounded us.

We need to provide a safe place to deal with these tender issues in our life. We must give our wounded Inner Child focused, unhurried, non-judgmental time to express the thoughts foremost in his/her mind. If we do not take this time, then people and events will continually trigger the pain from deep within our subconscious mind. This may cause an overreaction in us and from us, over some insignificant issue currently occurring. Sometimes, overreactions are also caused by allowing several little annoyances to build up over a period of time. This is avoided by journaling our feelings daily and honestly communicating with our true self and then with the people involved. 

When a present event touches a tender spot from the past, this "trigger" event is usually only the tip of the iceberg of pain. Unresolved conflicts from the past are buried deep below the surface of our conscious mind. An overreaction can be a positive thing, if we use it to pinpoint the source of our pain. Pain needs to be dealt with honestly and directly in order to be laid to rest permanently. Negative feelings use up our power and energy. In order to be a vital human being, we need to be free from these encumbering old voices in our mind and the painful memories from our past. We may still remember the incident, but once God heals us, the pain involved in it is gone. 

Unfinished business will stand between relating to yourself and others freely in the present moment. Denied negative feelings remain alive and dangerous. An accumulation of buried negative feelings puts your mind and body under harmful stress. Mental and physical health is directly related to the degree to which you are in touch with all of your emotions. You do not need to share them with anyone else; but you do need to give your Inner Adult permission to be aware of them as they happen. They must be faced constructively so that God can reveal the truth to you about them. Then complete freedom hinges on forgiving the perpetrators and letting go of the bitterness that accompanies the memories.  

If you take a vacation and revisit the people and places from your childhood, you may be surprised to notice that they are not as large or as threatening as you remember them. This is because your Inner Child originally experienced this pain in the past, but now you also have your Inner Parent and Inner Adult. Your physical and emotional perspective changed because you were much smaller when the incidents occurred. You may be equally surprised, when you choose to have the courage to face the pain of the past; with your present perspective, it may not be as painful as you remember it.

As you journal or verbalize your feelings, words may not be sufficient. You may need to allow tears, and moans from the deepest part of your inner self, to be released. You may want to hire the services of a trained professional to walk you through this healing process. Sometimes, dreams will be the release mechanism our mind uses to free us from the pain of our past. Reoccurring dreams, or themes in dreams, may provide a clue to unlock some door from the past. Look up dream interpretation sites online to help you unlock the messages that your dreams are trying to relate to you.

Once you uncover and express these painful memories, imagine yourself holding your Inner Child. Cuddle her in your arms...some people hold a favorite doll or teddy bear in proxy for their Inner Child. Gently rock your imagined Inner Child in your arms, speak words of reassurance. Apologize for your failure to him/her in the past, vow to meet current needs, to give protection, and to love him/her unconditionally from now on. Some people may balk at this idea, but many find it very helpful.

Now, review these same situations in your mind. Imagine yourself being a protective and nurturing Inner Parent to your Inner Child this time. Envision the person who originally inflicted this pain. Realize they too have a wounded Inner Child. Forgive their offense toward you and get free of this memory. All unforgiveness ties you to that hurtful person in a negative way. After you experience the freedom of forgiving those in your past who hurt you, get involved in some task requiring physical exertion. This will help revitalize your drained body and emotions…jog, walk, swim, play a sport, act in drama, sing in the choir, take a class or learn a new hobby. Of course, you may just want to take a nap!

The critical Inner Parent causes a great deal of havoc in our soul. Each time your critical Inner Parent denies your Inner Child the opportunity to experience an approved feeling or activity you are giving up a real and vital part of experiencing "you" as a complete person. Someone else’s rejection of us becomes unbearable when it is joined by our own self-rejection. Often people will refrain from admitting they are wrong, because they fear being overcome by shame. Your wounded Inner Child actually believes you will “die”, if he/she is too vulnerable.

Therefore, some people will even lie to themselves and to others, in order to keep from facing the truth. Others hide behind masks to keep people from knowing their true self. God frees us to allow our self the freedom of being vulnerable. We can honestly reveal our true feelings and opinions now. God’s opinion of us is the only one that really matters, and He already knows the secrets of our soul. If shame should arise, you can remember that there is “now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit” (Romans 8:1).

Start by taking small steps. When you are around true friends and close family members, you can risk expressing your true feelings. Even if one or more of those people discount your feelings or disagree with you, you can realize that you are a person of worth, just as they are. You are both entitled to hold your own opinions. You can joyfully agree to disagree and then go on to the next topic of conversation. 

The goal of inner healing is to help us to live as an integrated person. We can learn from the past, and pray for wisdom and courage to meet the future.  The present is the only time we really have. So, “take no thought for tomorrow” and live one minute at a time. When we cannot accept a situation, we can change our focus by functioning in the Inner Adult ego state and taking into account the feelings of our Inner Child and Inner Parent. We empathetically consider the fears of the Inner Child; take into consideration the advice of the Inner Parent, consult the Lord’s wisdom for the situation and then follow His Holy Spirit moment by moment throughout the day.

Prayer:

Lord Jesus, help us to develop the habit of being grateful, so that we can possess health in our soul. I will start to keep a list of all the blessings You provide for me each day, and then read over them each night before I go to bed in order to give You praise. I will also make a list of my positive personality character traits and thank You for what You have already done in my life. I look forward to the growth You will continue to provide for me in the future.

Thought for the Day:

When I enjoy the blessings that are already mine, I develop a more positive outlook on life.


Recommended Reading on this Topic:

The Three Free Chapters of Healing Life’s Hurts at: http://www.theophostic.com/page13051343.aspx

The Christian Codependence Recovery Workbook: From Surviving to Significance by Stephanie A. Tucker

Your Child's Self Esteem, Celebrate Yourself - Both by Dorothy Briggs

People Making by Virginia Satir

You Inner Child of the Past by Hugh Misseldine

Born To Win by Muriel James

How to Be Your Own Best Friend by Mildred Newman, Bernard Berkowitz, Jean Owen

Introduce Your Marriage to Transactional Analysis, a TA Primer

          by Leonard Campos and Paul McCormick

Codependent No More,  Beyond Codependency,  The Language of Letting Go  All by Melody Beattie

Part 2 - Healing Emotional Wounds

First, please see below and read
Part 1 - Healing Emotional Wounds

The first step to Inner Healing is to acquire a personal relationship with Jesus Christ by confessing your sins and by completely surrendering your life to the Lordship of Jesus Christ. The next step to take in healing the wounds within you and in your marriage and other relationships is to identify your own Inner Parent, Inner Adult and Inner Child, as well as those of the significant others in your life. You may even find it helpful to give each ego state a name to identify them in conversations.

You can examine the way the Inner Parent in you treats the Inner Child in you as well as in the significant others in your life. You can train your Inner Parent to become more nurturing to your Inner Child and also the Inner Child in others.

Listening to the negative internal dialogues carried on by your wounded Inner Child and your critical Inner Parent will bring freedom to you and others, because you can then solve the problems within your soul, rather than expecting someone else to solve them for you, or rather than taking out your anger or frustration within yourself on someone else.

As you listen to the inner dialogue in your soul, you can learn more about your Inner Child, train your Inner Parent to be more nurturing and give yourself permission to allow your Inner Child to bring more fun and creativity into your life. 

You can make better decisions for yourself by acting from your rational Inner Adult who has taken into account the needs, feelings and opinions of both your Inner Parent and Inner Child. As your Inner Adult considers the needs of your Inner Parent and Inner Child and gains more control of your inner dialogue, you will find new ways to enjoy yourself and other people in your life, and to accept each other's differences.

You can agree to disagree with people without feeling like you are being put down. You can also understand that when others try to put you down, you have the ability to refuse to believe their discounts. This will help you to take responsibility for your own feelings, by not accepting the condescending and critical opinions of others. From your Inner Adult, you will recognize that the person with whom you are interacting does not cause your feelings. You choose what you will feel, and your responses are your own. Their words and behavior are their own. Our feelings about their words and behavior are our own.

If a feeling rises up within us in reaction to something someone says or does, it is our choice to accept or to reject that feeling. We are only responsible for our own behavior and feelings. We get to choose how we respond to what life hurls at us.

This is easier to say than to do. The more we care about the person, the more their opinion of us matters to us. In reality, only God’s opinion of us really matters. Everyone else’s opinion is influenced by their own personality, genes, dreams, goals and opinions; and therefore, may not even be correct assessments of us.

We can ask God to change the undesirable aspects of our soul and to strengthen our positive characteristics. As we submit ourselves to God, resist the influence of the world, our flesh and the devil, these distractions will no longer appeal to us. We can also allow the Holy Spirit to control and guide every part of us and to bring sanctification to our soul.

Most of our needs are within our power to fulfill. We no longer need to rely on, or to wait around for someone else to meet our needs. Our Inner Child may want to continue to look to others to fulfill our expectations in the same manner in which we relied on our parents to meet our needs. However, this is unhealthy. We can meet most of our own needs as we look to God for His supply. We are free to Parent ourselves now. We are no longer dependent on other people to meet our needs.  This frees other people in our life from having to "read the crystal ball” to guess what we want from them. The depth of our disappointment when someone else fails to meet our needs is a clue to the intensity of our expectations.

If we have a need that we cannot possibly meet on our own, then we can learn to graciously ask for what we want from those who can help us. Some people feel that asking detracts from the joy of receiving. However, expecting clairvoyance from others puts undue stress on everyone. Unreasonable expectations stem from our wounded Inner Child. We can ask God to provide our needs in whatever method He chooses to use to supply them. Also, we can simply give our self permission to meet our own needs.

Spending time with a special friend always brings great joy. We tend to act in a solicitous, protective and loving manner toward that person. We always have our friend’s best interest at heart. We give special favors to our friend to express our care for that person. We are often great at meeting other people’s needs; however, do you give the same care to yourself? If not, why not? Do you view caring for yourself as self-centered behavior? I am not asking you to become centered on yourself.

However, realize right now that YOU are a person too. There is a difference between self-seeking and self-care. I am merely asking you to give yourself the same regard, which you give to others whom God brings your way. Jesus gave us a commandment to love our neighbors as our self. We cannot fully minister to others, if we are needy. This means taking care of our self physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. We can have daily devotions, assemble with other Christians, eat nutritionally, exercise regularly, pace ourselves at work and spend quality time with supportive family and friends in wholesome entertainment and activities.

We will conscientiously care for our self, if we feel good about who we are. One way to do this is to remember who we are in Christ. I encourage you to read my former post on this blog: http://fulfilledchristianlife.blogspot.com/2012/03/who-you-are-in-christ.html

The eyes are the windows of the soul (Matthew 6: 22-23). Spontaneity and delight cause a sparkle in our eyes. We have an Inner Child that is very much alive and ready and able to bring spontaneous joy into our life. So, come to Christ in Salvation. Teach your Inner Parent to nurture you and others. Consider your Inner Child as a valued and lovable part of who you really are. Befriend your self and connect with others on a new and fulfilling level. Once we do all of this, we will find our ultimate joy in serving God and others.

Prayer:

Lord Jesus, help us to love others as we love our self. Teach us to nurture our self and then to reach out into the dying, hurting world around us and to love and nurture others with Your unconditional love.

Thought for the Day:

"Truly I say to you, unless you are converted and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven.” - Matthew 18:3

Part 1 - Healing Emotional Wounds

Read: Luke 16:19-31

“Instead, I have calmed and quieted myself, like a weaned child who no longer cries for its mother's milk. Yes, like a weaned child is my soul within me.” - Psalm 131: 2

As we age, we litter our past with tiny parts of our true self that we leave behind in each traumatic event we experience. This results in our feeling fragmented, deprived and discontent as adults. Most people hesitate to traverse the paths of their past for fear of re-experiencing the trauma.

Thankfully, through prayer, God leads us into the dark room of our subconscious mind and His perfect love casts out all fear. Although these experiences are filed away in the memory cabinet of the unconscious mind, they still filter into our present life through our conscious mind without warning, or sometimes without detection. They ultimately affect how we think and feel today, even if we are not aware of their contribution.

Have you ever over-reacted about some minor infraction and wondered why you got so upset? The reason for this behavior stems from the present circumstance triggering the pain from a similar event in your past. All of the past and present emotion rushes out together in response to the present event, to the dismay of everyone around us at the time! The good news here is that Jesus is the God of the past, present and the future (Hebrews 13:8). He is just waiting to heal you.

Human beings are made up of a body, soul and spirit (1 Thessalonians 5: 23). If our spirit is not Born Again through a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, it is dead in trespasses and sins (Ephesians 2:1-5). If this is the case, then our first priority is to repent of our sins and to totally surrender our life to Jesus Christ (John 3:17). Once the Spirit of God takes up residence within us, we can then focus on sanctification, or the healing of our soul – our mind, will and emotions. Luke 16:19-31 gives us a clear picture of a soul in hell. This man's body is in the grave, but his soul is experiencing the torments of hell just the same. The soul is a very vital part of our humanity.

It is the conclusion of many professionals that our soul contains an Inner Parent, Adult and Child that are products of our past. The Inner Adult usually spends his/her time refereeing between the Inner Parent and Inner Child. There are interactions going on between these three parts of you all day long. Evidence of this is found in conversations you have with yourself.

When we analyze the conversational transactions between these three ego states, we discover a great deal about our true self.  We can then unite the three ego states into a completely connected human being by paying attention to the transactions between them in our mind. God’s Spirit works through these ego states, whether we are aware of it or not, and helps us to reclaim the past and to become a healthy and thriving person today.

Our Inner Parent is either a critical and dictatorial parent or a distant and permissive parent or a nurturing and understanding parent. We can retrain our Inner Parent to be a nurturing parent in order to provide the protection and healing that we so desperately need in our lives. You can now freely discuss with your Inner Parent all of the topics you never talk about with your natural parents. The rational Inner Adult can learn to exhibit assertive boundaries, which prevents the future storage in our subconsious mind of any negative thoughts and opinions expressed to us by other people. Many people believe that when we reach the age of adulthood, we put away childish things (1 Corinthians 13:11). Yes, we put away childish behavior, but to deny the existance of that Inner Child is to deny a vital part of our self - the creative, fun loving part of us.

We help this process of inner healing by picturing our Inner Child as a real person. We allow our Inner Parent to nurture our Inner Child with love, focused attention, unconditional acceptance, inexpensive but meaningful gifts and treats and encouragement. We give our Inner Child choices rather than ignoring or dictating to this entity. We give the Inner Child the respect of helping the Inner Parent and Inner Adult make decisions that affect us. We learn to use our words to express our exact feelings rather than to wound others with a string of profane attacks, which inflict humiliation and emotional wounds on them. We state exactly how their negative behavior or words make us feel and we make it clear that this is no longer acceptable to us.

Unexpressed grief affects us physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Our nurturing Inner Parent helps this healing process by listening, affirming, grieving, accepting and loving our Inner Child unconditionally. Sometimes we may need to pray out loud, punch a pillow, take a walk, draw a picture of what we feel or write a letter and then tear it up into a billion, teensy pieces. We also support our Inner Child by erecting safe boundaries to provide us with physical and emotional detachment from abuse or rejection.

Often our Inner Child must resort to dragging us into depression, addiction, a negative mood or some physical illness to gain our attention. We can prevent this by being present in each moment of the day. When you take your daily emotional temperature, and take time to dialogue with your Inner Child, you will stay much healthier and more upbeat. If you give your soul focused attention as part of the course of your day, you will experience a much more positive outlook on life.

Relax and allow your Inner Child to be part of your decision making process, but do not allow the Inner Child to take control of your life all together. Inner Children can become tyrants if we allow it. However, do consider his/her feelings when making your decisions. This will allow you to feel loved and cherished at your very core, and allow you to have a “say so” in your life that you may never have had as a child.

Prayerful journaling allows you to reclaim the parts of yourself that you left behind in unresolved, painful experiences. By revisiting the memories, we face the events, uncover the lies Satan told us, find out God truth about the incident, and then nurture our Inner Child with God’s truth. Sometimes, the truth allows us to grieve for the first time and to cleanse our soul with healing tears. The joy experienced through this healing prayer lifts a weight from our soul and frees us to serve God with renewed energy that these old wounds once sapped from our soul.

Your mental and emotional healing also improve your physical and spiritual welfare. This process takes time. Nurture your Inner Child now by making time to enjoy life, watching a humorous movie, participating in a sport or hobby, developing positive friendships that help to nourish your soul, etc.  When you catch yourself replaying the negative tapes of voices from your past or when you feel a negative emotion, stop and take some deep breaths. Put off the shroud of the critical Inner Parent and replace the voice with a nurturing Inner Parent. Listen to how you truly feel and take this matter to the Lord. He is willing and waiting to heal you from the inside out.

Prayer:

Lord Jesus, show me the root and origin of each of my negative emotions one at a time. As I journal, lead me by Your Spirit. Heal my emotional wounds and show me Your truth about these past experiences. As You reveal Your truth, the strength of all of my negative emotions will decrease in intensity and some will disappear all together. I look forward to uncovering the lies Satan used to plant this negativity in my soul, and to finding out Your truth about these experiences.

Thought for the Day:

Reconnecting to your Inner Child and working through the pain of the past into the fulfillment of the present will also improve your future.

Bridging Gaps in Relationships

Read: Proverbs 15:1-2

“A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.”  - Proverbs 25:11

Have you ever noticed that whenever there is more than one person in a room, there is the potential for a disagreement? The most loving of couples eventually experience an argument. To protect the integrity of their relationship, conflicting partners need to recommit themselves to one another after every stressful event or time of discord in their life. This assertion of love and faithfulness between them serves to reassure them both.

The first step in bridging a gap in your relationship is forgiveness. If the difference of opinion gets swept under the rug or is put on the back burner and allowed to simmer, the issues will resurface with some future catalyst. Not only will it reoccur, but it will also cause the current issue to balloon out of proportion with the added steam from the unresolved conflict. Admitting, “I was wrong and I apologize” are both the toughest words to say and the most powerful ointment verbalized in the human language. Humility puts your partner at ease and generates an environment for them to apologize for their own part in the quarrel.

Once the apology is made and accepted, then a recommitment to the relationship is necessary. Even when we choose to forgive, the painful memory of the occurrence reverberates in our mind. Sometimes, relying on God’s agape love is the only way to care for an individual in the absence of any feeling of human love toward him/her. The painful memories ease with time, but a restored dedication to the union between you creates loving emotions in you right away. 

A phenomenon that I never understood until now is that sometimes we even disagree when we are the only one in the room! Did you ever have an argument with yourself? Psychologists say this “split personality” comes from the three ego states within your soul. They label them as the Inner Parent, Adult and Child. Your Inner Parent is Authoritarian, Permissive or Nurturing and reflects all the parental figures from your past; your Inner Child is either healthy, wounded or recovering depending on the way you were treated by all of the parental figures in your life; and your Inner Adult is the person you are becoming now and often serves as the referee between the Parent and Child.

If you analyze the transactions between these three entities within your soul, you will discover a great deal about yourself and you will also feel more connected and integrated as a person. You will also react differently to other people in your life, because you will start to recognize their distinct ego states as well. God’s desire is to restore us to wholeness, as we invite Him to go back in the corridors of our past, where often we do not want to go, and to heal the painful memories that haunt us to this day. He is waiting to fill those empty places as only He can fill them. You can depend on Him to do it. He lived on this sin-cursed earth and empathizes with every hurt and negative emotion that we could ever experience. He understands exactly how you feel.

There are many books written on this subject. The one I recommend is: Healing the Child Within, by Charlie Whitfield. If what I said peeked your interest, I am also available to chat more about this at: ckbradley950@comcast.net

Prayer:

Lord, when I conflict with my loved ones, please give me the humility to admit where I am wrong and to apologize for hurting their feelings. Move by Your Spirit to renew the bonds of love and allow us to walk in one accord. Start by healing the factions within my own personality and make me whole and complete in You (Colossians 2:10).

Thought for the Day:

Even if I am not at fault, help me to apologize for contributing to the discord.