For over 40 years, I served as a Pastor’s wife; yet, the role is so varied and complicated that I did not have a simple answer to give her. Although the Bible is full of scripture pertaining to the Pastor, it says nothing definite about the topic of his wife.
Jesus calls all of us to a life of ridicule, abandonment, torture, prison and even death if necessary. A Pastor and his family are not exempt from this calling. If the Lord calls a man into the ministry, He also calls his wife and family. I am one flesh with my pastor-husband, and some people even call me, “Mrs. Pastor” or “Sister Kevin”. The main area of responsibility for any wife is to support and to submit to her husband (Ephesians 5:22-24).
One major difference from most people, however, is that the Pastor’s family is not allowed to work a 9:00-5:00 workday with week-ends free. The flock needs us "on call," at all hours of the day and night, seven days of the week. It is important to prioritize and to include some time in our schedule for personal reflection and relaxation; but there is usually something that comes up, which supersedes one or both of these priorities. The whole truth is that on the day I married my husband, I laid a “normal life” down on the altar of the ministry, and I watched it go up in smoke as a sacrifice to God. I have not regretted one moment of my life, however, because anything God calls us to do for Him, He supplies us with the desire and the power to do it (Philippians 2:13).
Sometimes, because a church is a microcosm of society, whether you live in the big city or in the country, you actually deal with many issues that are considered part of "small town life". Especially when you go to a new church, everyone is looking at you all the time, deciding whether or not they like you. They have very specific ideas on how you should spend your money, what you should wear, how you should fix your hair and whether or not you should get your nails done professionally. If your house is too nice, people will talk. If it's not nice enough, people will talk. Actually, they talk about everything and anything, which pertains to you and your family.
Church members also often like to talk to the Pastor’s wife about other church members. Therefore, it is important to use discretion and to say only nice things about people. Learning how to change topics quickly and gracefully is vitally important. For this reason, many Pastors’ wives despise committee meetings and women’s sewing circles. However, these are actually the perfect opportunities to share in decisions the church makes about your life, as well as to minister to the real needs of the individual, who happens to sit next to you.
In some churches in which we served over the years, I was compared to the wife of the previous pastor, who is always a paragon of virtue after she leaves. It took these churches time to love me for who I am, and to recognize the gifts and talents, which my husband and I brought to their church family. In other churches, the last pastor left under coercion with less than pleasant circumstances; therefore, the congregation transferred their hurt and mistrust to us; until God used us to bring about healing to their souls.
Making friends with members of the congregation can also be tricky. Some have ulterior motives and they want to control your time, your decisions and your sermon topics. They find it easier to criticize you and to expect you to support their pet events in the life of the church. Others want you to provide them with time for weekly gripe sessions, which they call counseling sessions. I even had a few young mothers who expected me to freely care for their children several times a week.
Most of the people, however, look out for your welfare. Sharing produce, helping with home repairs and giving gifts for birthdays and Christmas are common in some congregations and come as a special added blessing.
Since I had no real answer for her, this new Christian wanted to know, “Do you work?”
This was easier to answer. Yes, I work; but I do not get paid. I wear business casual clothes, but I do not punch a time card. I serve the public for over 50 hours a week, but I have no official job description. I get hand-me-down office equipment, I cannot afford my own car and I have no corner office with a window. I see things both from the pastoral position and from a member’s perspective, because I am also a member of the flock; yet I may not vote on any church issues. However, since I work for King Jesus, my job benefits are actually out of this world!
Then, she wanted to know “What exactly do you achieve?” This is another hard question to answer.
There
are at least five differing sets of expectations of the Pastor and his wife
from every new congregation, which no couple can possibly fulfill; yet no one
has any idea about how to change this dilemma. In my years of serving as a
Pastor’s wife, I have been expected to present visionary leadership as the
director of the women’s ministries, or at least to attend all of their meetings; to function in some capacity as a teacher to the ladies
or to children; to soothe the weary, protect the vulnerable, bind up the
wounded, seek the lost and rescue the wandering. I am expected to know where
the Pastor is at all times; so that I can tell any inquiring member where to
find him.
Many Pastors’ wives run the Sunday school program, which I did at one time in my career. Some direct the choir, but with my lack of musical talent, our churches are glad I do not fill this role! Some plan all the church social events, which makes me break out in nervous hives, just thinking about doing that. I do have my special gifts and callings, however, and I try to stay within the parameter of God’s will for me in any church in which we serve.
I love to network! I connect people to other people and to places that can meet their needs. Just to name a few of the minor “miracles” God helped me to work in my lifetime: I find jobs, free furniture, future mates, best friends, free food, a new doctor and home assistance for people in need. Another talent and particular love for me is to mentor women, both younger and older. I love to listen and give sympathy, as well as empathy whenever I experienced the same malady they confide in me. I enjoy sharing the lessons I have learned in my life with women who are following in my spiritual footsteps. I also pass out our business cards, which have the plan of salvation included, to every new person that I meet. I invite them to call if they are ever in need of a friend, and to visit us at church whenever they have the time.
The best advice I could give to another Pastor’s wife is to talk with your husband in advance about the roles he expects you, as his wife, to fill in your current church. If he has unrealistic expectations, clarify how you feel about them and then suggest alternatives. Once you both agree, then he can help to protect you from the unreasonable expectations of some members of the congregation. Also, you will be more likely to be on the same page when challenges arise and to feel more content with your results when you agree on what roles are yours. If you know ahead of time what you feel called to do, then you can quickly volunteer for what you like to do. When a need arises in the church, which stresses you out or that you are uncomfortable with filling, then you can remind the congregant that you are already committed with other ministries and do not have the time to take on anything else.
Of course, the most important ministry of the Pastor’s Wife is to be the wife of the Pastor! I love, respect and admire my husband. I show this by speaking words of encouragement to counteract all of the doubts Satan sows in his mind throughout the day. I walk with him through every setback. I cheer him on through every victory. I laugh at his jokes – even those which make me look silly. I do not keep his long hours, but I do more than my fair share in order to help lessen his pressures. I always have a clean house, a stocked refrigerator, and clean, ironed clothes waiting for him each morning.
Overall, a Pastor and his family usually enjoy a very good experience in the churches to which they minister. I compare it to having a very big family looking out for you and caring for one another’s needs. My husband and I approach the ministry as something we do together, and that makes it very fulfilling for both of us. A spiritually active, outgoing pastor's wife is a valuable asset to any church in today's climate of apathy to the things of God.
Prayer:
King Jesus, lead us and keep us by Your Spirit every moment of every day. Help us to walk in Your ways and to accomplish everything You set out for us to do every day. Protect us from evil and provide for all of our daily needs. In Jesus’ name and for Your glory today and always.
Thought for the Day:
People who live in glass houses can never cast the first stone.
