I spent the first third of my life searching for my identity as I grew from an infant to a woman. After high school, I married and had three children, each eighteen months apart. I supported my husband as Sarah served Abraham (1 Peter 3:6), centering my focus on him and his needs. In the churches he pastored, I taught in the children’s ministries, and discipled and mentored the women. I busily served God vicariously through my ministry to my family and our church.
Although years earlier I
came to understand my need for a relationship with the true and living God
through Jesus Christ, presently my obsessive busyness pervaded every moment of
my life. I
knew God; yet, I did not know how to be one with Him. I loved Him, claimed His
promises for my life and spent my days trying very desperately to please Him. I
knew my eternal Salvation was guaranteed by Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross.
However, I was so active for God that these distractions prevented a
qualitative relationship with Him.
I stayed at home with my children in their toddler years, then home schooled them through part of their elementary years, and center my life around my husband’s and children’s needs, activities and interests during their high school years. I went to every ball game, band concert, art exhibit, school function, church program and Taekwondo event they participated in. I taught them to cook, keep up their own laundry, clean a home and balance their checkbook. Then, they launched out into college, one right after the other.
One
day, I came to the sudden realization that they did not need me any longer.
They had lives of their own. The empty nest took me by complete surprise. My
identity disintegrated. My husband resented me for clinging to him to fulfill
my ravenous need for attention. I was alone for much of the time. I had no idea
what to do with myself! I still read my Bible, went to the church and worked in
my job; but I was not used to receiving so little attention on a daily basis. I
suffered with depression and melancholia. The empty house and the barren
loneliness haunted me.
One day during my quiet
time, I thought about the disciples in the upper room. They waited for days for
the Holy Spirit of God to come to them, as Jesus promised (Acts
2:1-6; Luke 24:49). During this time in
my life, I decided to wait quietly on the Lord too. This became my own personal
Pentecost: a time where day after day I stayed in my prayer closet, until the
Lord revealed Himself to me more intimately than ever before. I totally
surrendered my will and my life to Him. I truly felt like we were one, just as
He and God were one (John 17:21).
As I continued to sit quietly at Jesus’ feet over the successive days, weeks
and months (Luke 10:42), God required that I
completely empty myself of all of my negative thoughts and feelings. He taught
me how to stay connected to His Holy Spirit throughout the day (Galatians 5:16, 25; Ezekiel 36:27; Romans 8:1, 4). The hollow place within
me eventually filled with His peace and joy that transcended all of the circumstances
in my life (Philippians 4:6-7).
I realized from that moment on, that out of this relationship flows our
ministry to our family, our church, our workplace and our community. God’s
Spirit within us allows us to ride serenely in the wake of every storm in our
life. We are never alone or lonely, because He lives within us, fills us,
fulfills us and makes us complete in Him (Hebrews
13:5; Colossians 1:27, 2:10; Romans 15:13). His love pours over us like a
waterfall, if we will quiet our soul – our mind, will and emotions – long enough to
experience it (Psalm 46:10; Isaiah 58:11).
Soon after this time of sitting still before the Lord, I went to work at a
fast food restaurant. Thankfully, my boss identified with my place in life. She
pointed out to me that I was a person too. She reminded me that I could
minister to my own needs, just like I ministered to the needs in others. It was
not necessary for me to codependently wait on my children, a husband or a best
friend to make me happy or fulfilled. We are sufficient with Christ within us
to live as a whole, completed person (Colossians
2:10).
At this same time, my husband went through a dark night in his own soul. He
decided there was no option for us but divorce. God had a purpose even in this,
however. Since I had that deep, abiding relationship with Christ now, and I
learned how to meet my own needs, I was not overwhelmed by his defection. I was
one with Christ and I lived with the assurance that God loved me
unconditionally (John 15:4; Romans 5:8).
God had a plan for my life that did not include my former husband or my
children. They had their own lives now, and God had a fulfilling life in store
for me as well. Over the next eighteen months, I put into practice everything I
learned at Jesus’ feet. I followed His Spirit’s leading for each new day’s
adventure and I looked forward to Him writing the new chapters of my life.
One night, the Spirit led me to help a girlfriend with her project at
Books-a-Million bookstore. There I met a Pastor whose wife was divorcing him.
We had a great deal in common and hung out together or talked on the phone
every day after that. He had young children, and I helped him to do their
laundry and to fix wholesome meals for them. We soon realized that God wanted
more for us than friendship. God took the ashes of our individual lives and
forged from them a union of beauty and a harmonious pastoral ministry to His
people.
Now, even when my husband’s schedule keeps us separated for much of the
time, when I do not hear from my children for months on end and my friends are
busy with other pursuits, I still have the abiding presence of the Lord filling
my days and nights. My unity with the Lord is the foundation for my life. This
brings fulfillment to me that no earthly relationship provides.
Even when I am alone, I am never lonely. God’s unconditional love
transcends any lapse in the circumstances of my life. God is truly all we need.
As we abide in Him, we have His love that surpasses anything available to us on this
human plane. Each and every day, He fills us through all of our being with all
of His fullness and gives us the richest measure of His Spirit (Ephesians
3:16-19).
Prayer:
May our God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him
alone, expecting nothing in return; so that you may overflow with hope by the
power of His Holy Spirit (Romans
15:13).
Thought for the Day:
We are complete in Christ,
lacking nothing (Colossians 2:10; Psalm 23:1; James 1:4). 