Read: Ephesians 4:21-32
“Instead,
speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the
Head, that is, Christ.” - Ephesians 4: 15
In times of communication,
God recommends that we are quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger (James 1:19).
Anger is actually a God-given emotion used to protect us from injury, but not
to inflict injury on other people. Anger is a flag to let us know that
something is wrong. The feelings of anger in our soul inform us that someone
else’s behavior is offensive to us. God cautions us, however, to be slow to
express it, and to guard against crossing over into sinful behavior with this
possibly volatile emotion (Ephesians 4:26).
After conversion, God taught
me to articulate my emotions with rational words rather than to curse at the
person hurting my feelings. However, even after I eliminated profanity from my
vocabulary, I still exploded in anger when someone’s words or behavior caused a
fearful or insecure reaction in my soul. I used excessive anger to protect
myself from perceived injustices. My anger struck hot and quickly like a
volcano, and I left just as many deep scars behind in my wake.
God has an alternate plan of
action for us. Rather than to explode in anger, we can rationally communicate
to the other person that what they just did or said is not acceptable to us.
People will behave toward us in the way in which we teach them to treat us. If
we allow others to abuse us - verbally, mentally or physically - we are inviting
more of that same behavior into our future. However, we can develop a habit of
using premeditated wording to express our feelings, rather than to use hasty,
angry words to verbally attack the offending party.
Rather than to respond with
anger, I learned to say:
“I feel afraid when you …” “I feel like you spend more time with …. than with me. I need more of your attention.”
“Thank you for your opinion, but I do not agree with you. Can we agree to disagree?”
“I will walk away if you say/do that again.”
“I think that you misunderstood the meaning behind my words/actions. Let me further explain to you how I feel (or why I took that action).”
In the face of
confrontation, I still make it known in no uncertain terms that the offensive
behavior is not acceptable to me. However, I attempt to respond with a
confident, businesslike and resolute manner rather than to erupt in anger. Even
in the face of a verbal onslaught, I state my feelings more clearly with firm,
calm words rather than with angry, irrational ones. My husband and I even use a
notebook to write out our feelings to one another. This way we do not speak off
the top of our head and potentially hurt one another. It is easier to think
before we write than it is to think before we speak!
Some people may never learn
to accept what we say; and they may never change their behavior towards us.
These people are not safe. We need a firm boundary between them and us. It is
better to steer a wide path around such people who tend to abuse us, rather than
to constantly put ourselves in harm’s way. When we take a step back and look at
their actions from a spiritual frame of mind, we can pray for them and also
about our response to them. Then we can speak firmly, but kindly in the face of
any imposition from them or any attack from them against us.
Through practice, I learned
to stand up for myself without hiding behind fierce anger and coarse words as
protection against what I perceive as an assault (Ephesians 5:4). God encourages us to live at peace with everyone (Romans
12:18). We cannot ever control another
person’s actions or responses towards us, but we can put distance between an
abusive person and us. We do not need to overreact and divorce the person or
end a friendship, but we can separate and work on reconciliation between us
through counseling and calm discussions.
I also now take my hurt
feelings to the Lord before I talk to anyone else. He helps me to forgive the
offender and to pray for their blessing, whether they ever respond positively
to me or not. How they feel about me or what they think of me has no bearing on
who I am or on my relationship with my Lord and Savior. In reality, His opinion
of me is the only one that really matters.
Prayer:
Lord Jesus, help me to put
away slander, malice, coarse words and explosive anger. Remind me to use
positive words to communicate how I feel and how I want to be treated. Help me
to speak up for what I want and need without resorting to using negative
emotions or exploding in anger.
Thought for the Day:
“A word fitly spoken is like
apples of gold in settings of silver.” - Proverbs 25:11