As a young bride of 20 years old,
I wanted to be the perfect wife. As a co-dependent, I did not want to nag or
disagree - so that my husband would love me.
My uncle told me that if I was
even half the wife my mother was to my dad, I'd be a great wife; so not to
worry. I did learn a great deal about being a loving and submissive wife from
my mom.
She lived with a manic-depressive
husband. She learned to soothe the savage beast in him; but she had to learn
not to take his words and behavior to heart.
She had her own interests and
pursued them with a passion; yet, was home every day when her four children returned
from school; and she had supper ready every night when my dad walked into the
house from work.
As I started my new life as a
wife, I would wince and swallow every hurt, disappointment, deprivation, abuse
and neglect without saying a word, just as I learned from my mom.
I stuffed my feelings and
opinions too. However, the trouble with me started because my threshold for
pain was too low and my Italian temper, inherited from my dad, flared up too
quickly.
I eventually started blowing up
like a volcano, and then instantly cooled; but I did not realize the deep scars,
which my outburst left on my husband's soul. He thought I acted like a schizophrenic.
I was sweet and caring most of
the time; and then without warning, I erupted at what seemed like the slightest
provocation without any apparent reason.
This problem arose because of all
of the power of all of that internalized pain. The full force came out in an
Italian temper tantrum when I finally did blow over the last straw - which
actually did appear - to any by-stander - to be a very small and
inconsequential provocation.
I lived broken, fearful and
insecure like this for 22 years of marriage until my former husband decided I
was too wounded for him to live with any longer. He saw no option for us but
divorce.
God used my husband divorcing me as
my breaking point to help me to totally surrender my life to Him. With no job
or alimony, I faced the future in total dependence on God and He proved Himself
more than faithful.
I clung to Christ with every
rasping breath and God redeemed my life yet again. He sent me to a minister who
helped me to heal from my past; and He turned my mourning into dancing and
restored to me all of the years, which the canker worm destroyed (Joel 2:25).
Prayer:
Father God, no one is perfect in
this life. We are all products of our upbringing, but we are responsible for our
responses to life as they occur. Although we try to overcome or hide them, we
drag our wounds around with us like hindering baggage. Show us clearly that
Satan's lies are keeping us linked to these wounds from our past, buried deeply
within our subconscious mind.
Thank You for teaching us to
recognize these lies, to hear Your truth about them and to discard them as we
walk away from them with healing from Your wings (Malachi 4:2). We live to
serve You another day with all of the fullness of Your Holy Spirit within us. (
www.theophostic.com )
Thought for the Day:
God works out even the most
debilitating circumstances in our life for our ultimate good. - Romans 8:28
