In
a good marriage, both partners feel freedom to be themselves without fearing
the loss of love or acceptance. They argue constructively without offensive or derogatory
statements. They have each other's best interest at heart.
These
spouses communicate their feelings, ask for what they want, and humbly
acknowledge their shortcomings and failings. They ask forgiveness when they
hurt one another, and they try diligently to understand how this issue occurred
in order to prevent a reoccurrence if possible.
The
greatest tool for couples has come out in the last dozen years. It is called,
The Five Love Languages, and you can find out your and your spouses "love
language" by taking this free quiz: http://www.the-relationship-coach.com/five-love-languages-quiz.html
To
synopsize, let me relate the nut-shell version of each love language aspect and
give a few examples of how to relate through each one:
Acts
of Service is one that is very common among men. They believe that by caring
for the family car, yard, house and working 40 hours a week to pay the bills is
all they need to do to show love to their family.
The
problem arises when their wife and children have other love languages, which
the man often discounts or ignores. If Acts of Service is your husband's love
language, you can shower him with love by cooking his favorite meals; keeping
his laundry clean, ironed and hung in the closet; doing yard work as a team;
making his morning coffee or packing a nutritious lunch for him to take to work.
***
An
insecure mate will thrive on Words of Affirmation. Encouraging compliments,
that are meaningful rather than flattering, are very important to a mate with
this love language. They also enjoy love notes, compliments on their outfit,
and expressions of gratitude when they think of you first.
***
Some
mates prefer spending Quality Time in order to feel loved. All the gifts and
compliments you can offer will not say, "I love you" like spending
time with them. They want you to stay off the phone at home, snuggle daily,
take leisurely walks, pray and study the Bible together regularly, enjoy a
hobby together, and take the time to experience unrushed and meaningful
physical expressions of love.
***
The
easiest language to provide is Gifts. This mate feels loved when we take the
time to purchase a little gift for them on the way home from work or after a
business trip, etc. A small gift will encourage them on bad days more than
anything else you could think to do. That gift may seem inconsequential to you,
but it speaks volumes of love to your mate.
Deliver
flowers to her workplace, buy him gift certificates to his favorite restaurant,
take her shopping "just because" instead of only on holidays and
birthdays. When you walk through the store and see a piece of jewelry or
clothing or an accessory that you know they will like, take the time to buy it
for them. It does not even have to be gift wrapped to make them feel loved.
***
One
would think that everyone enjoys Physical Touch, but some people value it even
more than others. The type of touch makes a difference to some too. Physical
tender, loving care will keep a smile on their face and a sigh of contentment
on their lips.
Taking
time to set the mood will make them feel even more loved. Also, a spontaneous
back or foot rub; a warm, snuggly hug for no reason or when parting for the day
or reuniting at night; a long and gentle kiss that may or may not lead to more;
a pat on the back, holding hands and even playful tickling will all qualify to
help them to realize the depth of your love for them.
***
These
expressions of love make our mate feel valued and cherished, and they go a long
way in keeping the love fires burning in our marriage. Just remember to love
them with their love language, not yours.
Do
yourself a favor and be sure to communicate your love language to them as well.
Do not expect your mate to guess what you need to feel loved: tell them and
clearly communicate ideas they can use to show you this love.
Show
interest in your spouse by asking him/her how they prefer to be loved. If you
spend all your time loving them in other ways, they will not feel loved, and
you will become frustrated that all of your efforts are often tolerated and
never really appreciated.
Prayer:
Father
God, thank You for giving wisdom to the originators of the Love Languages. It
could have saved my first marriage and many hours of frustration, if my husband
and I could have understood how we each needed to be loved. It has certainly
improved my second marriage a great deal.
Help
us to realize the importance of treating one another as individuals with value
and worth all our own. Remind us to affirm one another by going the extra mile
to love each other in ways that truly show one another that we care about the
love they need. Thank You for sending Jesus to redeem His Bride and for His
example of laying down His life for us.
Thought
for the Day:
Rather
than to love our mate in our own way, we can go the extra mile with our spouse
in order to love each other in the way their personality and upbringing need us
to express our depth of emotion to him/her; we also honestly communicate to
him/her how we need to be loved in order to feel cherished, understood, admired
and respected.
