From Frightened to Freedom

As a young wife and mother of three, my life was hectic at best. On top of this, I viewed life and reacted to its challenges and issues from a codependent and perfectionistic attitude - double trouble.

I wanted to please everyone, so they would like and love me; I thought that the only way to accomplish this feat was to be perfect. I was under the delusion that if I loved and served everyone - even to the detriment of myself - they would love me in return.

However, all I did was to teach people to take me for granted and to treat me like a doormat and their unpaid servant - chief cook, bottle washer, baby sitter, housekeeper and problem solver. People took advantage of me, which stressed me out even further.

I even did this with God. I attempted to keep every "jot and tittle of the law" (Matthew 5:18), hoping to please God with my undying service, in order to earn His love. I turned into a foolish "Galatian" and ran myself ragged, meeting myself coming and going (Galatians 3:1-3).

Stress kept me from sleeping and sleeplessness made me grouchy, which caused me to be short-tempered with those I loved. I hated who I was…I hated me, but I had no idea how to change things.

My self-esteem was in the bottom of the tank and I felt like I was drowning in the details of life. Finally, in desperation, I started researching codependence: what caused it and how to get free from it.

I learned that I had to stop neglecting my own needs every day and to allow others to meet their own needs once in a while. The books promised that they would still love me anyway, even if I did not "earn" it.

I figured that even if they did not love me, then they had no true feelings for me in the first place. I also translated this into the spiritual realm. God already loved me when I was a lost sinner, and He would always love me unconditionally (Romans 5:8); therefore, I could enter His rest and enjoy His favor.

This fact stopped the codependence dead in its tracks. I did a 180 degree turn around and walked away from this driven lifestyle. God's Spirit broke the shackles of expectations that I allowed to chain me to a meager existence.

When I entered into God's rest, I found a security and warmth that I missed all my life. Over the ensuing years, the comfort of God's rest brought me more peace and joy than I ever dreamed possible; and He continually supplies all of my needs with His glorious riches.

Prayer:

Father God, thank You so much for Your grace and mercy, which lead us in Your everlasting way (John 10:28-30; 1 Peter 5:10). You teach us lessons all along life's path and You bring us into ever-increasing intimacy with Your presence within us. When we let go of the impossible demands of pleasing people and focus instead on walking by the direction of Your Spirit moment by moment, we enter into Your rest, we receive Your gift of mercy and love, and we learn to trust in Your wisdom.

Due to Christ's saving redemption on Calvary's cross, we are no longer slaves of the demon of perfectionism. Instead, we follow the leading of Your Spirit and rest in Your goodness and grace. We trust in You with our whole heart; acknowledge You in all of our thoughts, words and deeds; and glorify You as You direct our paths (Proverbs 3:5-6).

Thought for the Day:

God invites us to bask in His love; abide in His peace and hide under His wings when life scares us (Psalm 91:4); we learn to accept love when it is given and to serve others only when God's Spirit leads us to do so; this prevents burn-out and promotes joy in living regardless of our circumstances.

Loving Our Self

As a perfectionist codependent, I always put everyone else's needs above my own. As we all serve one another, we all get served. I read in the Bible that God wanted it this way.

However, it did not work that way in the first 45 years of my life. I did all the serving and others did all the taking with rare expressions of gratitude or encouragement for what I did.

I grew to resent the lack of reciprocation and my constant physical and emotional exhaustion. I felt like a hamster on its wheel, going round and round day after day and getting no place fast.

One day I realized that I was actually teaching people to expect me to do everything and not to respect me or my needs. I had a savior and martyr complex a mile wide and high.

The fact is, however, that I love to serve others. It is my main ministry in Christ's body. Thankfully, I started working for a recovering codependent at this same time and she spoke truth to me that set me free.

She said, "You are a person too, and you can minister to yourself and meet your needs in the same way you meet everyone else's needs." WOW! That gave me food for thought.

She reminded me of Jesus' words to love others as we love our self (Luke 10:27). I realized right away that I did not love myself in the same way that I loved others.

This opened up a whole new world for me. I went to the library and checked out books on how to be a nurturing parent. I learned to nurture myself and how to nurture others in a healthier manner.

Prayer:

Father God, so many times we take Your words at face value and skip over the minute details of the verse. We miss so much of the meat of Your Word because we do not take them in context with other verses in the Bible. We miss the whole picture, which You intend for us to see.

As we follow the leading of Your Spirit each moment of the day, we stop allowing the good things to become the enemy of the best things. We stop spinning our wheels by so much busyness and we live productive lives that bring us joy as we also give joy. We develop a closer relationship with You and people see our good works and give You the glory (Matthew 5:16).

Thought for the Day:

As we walk in the Spirit, we stop enabling others to be less than they can be by allowing them to do hard things for themselves and to learn to lean on God instead of on us, so they can live productive lives.

Entering Into God's Rest

I came to Christ in college and I felt compelled to be busy for the Lord. I served through the Baptist Student Union in revivals and community outreaches, witnessed on my college campus and served in my local church through the College and Career group.

After my marriage, my foremost ministry was to my husband and children. I was described by church members as a casually spotless homemaker, and I provided them with healthy, home cooked meals from scratch. When my children reached kindergarten age, I volunteered in local schools as a teacher's helper.

In the churches my husband pastored, I helped to lead worship with my guitar, I mentored younger women one-on-one, and I volunteered in the community at the weekly soup kitchen and seasonal food drives.

Since I had extra time once my children went to school, I volunteered in the church office, conducted women's ministry meetings, taught children's Sunday school and eventually directed the children's Sunday school.

I taught crochet classes at a local yarn shop and led my boss to faith in Christ. I did inreach to members and outreach to visitors in the church setting and helped in my husband's ministry as much as he would allow.

Then, we moved into a travel trailer and our little family accompanied my husband around the eastern USA as he went from church to church as he felt led. My children did puppet shows; and I led singing with my guitar for the children's ministries, sang specials in the church meetings and shared encouraging word pictures as the Lord gave them to me.

I home schooled my children and continued to cook from scratch in our little trailer home. When we settled in a permanent location again, God provided a job for me at a local alternative school to teach social studies and math.

I also volunteered to teach art classes, since that was not supported by the school budget. I had a few student to our home for supper every week so they could experience the love of a Christian family. A time or two, we even housed a student who was homeless or from a violent home. I continued this frenzy of service well into my 40s.

Am I telling you all of this to brag? No, but to confess my faults.

I did much of this in the flesh and was not led by the Spirit of God in many of my activities. I am sure I was walking in God's will at various moments of all of this effort; but I was often out of His will too.

I certainly was not ministering from the place of God's rest, but from my own human effort and understanding. I did not consult God in order to allow Him to direct my paths (Proverbs 3:5-6). I just ran around doing good.

It was only in my late 40s that I really realized the importance of functioning from God's rest (Lamentations 3:25-26). In my 50s, God taught me that prayer is as vital as service; and in my 60s, I started to write more, which is where God was anointing my time.

I learned to say "No" when asked to serve in a ministry where God was not calling me. As a codependent perfectionist, this was painful to do; but as I reaped the blessings of God's continual presence in all that I did do, it did not take me long to learn that to obey is much better than sacrifice (1 Samuel 15:22).

Prayer:

Father God, I am so glad that people are learning this lesson at a younger age now than ever before (Psalm 40:6). We are coveting Your presence and anointing in our life rather than sacrifice and service to which You are not calling us (Hebrews 10:6). You would much rather that we spend our time loving You with all of our heart, strength and understanding, and our neighbor as our self before we get caught up in the business of life and church work (Mark 12:33; Psalm 51:16).

You want us to listen to Your Spirit and to function in Your will for our life (Ephesians 2:10; Ecclesiastes 5:1; Proverbs 21:3), because our perfect sacrifice to You is humility, mercy and obedience as we consult You for Your will for our life rather than for us to sacrifice in areas where You are not calling us. - Hosea 6:6; Jeremiah 7:23; Isaiah 1:11; Psalm 51:17

Thought for the Day:

God created us as a Body and if we all function in the ministries to which He calls us, the church will be perfectly fitted for service to Him, to one another and to our community. - Ecclesiastes 5:1