“…let
your “yes” be yes and your “no” be no,..” - James 5:12
The human soul frequently
experiences a barrage of “unfriendly fire” that threatens to snuff the very
life out of us. This usually occurs when we disregard the leading of God’s
Spirit within us. We say “Yes” to someone’s request, when we really mean “No”;
and we say “No”, when we really want to say, “Yes”.
We act this way in order to
keep the peace, to prevent hurt feelings, to make people like us and to appear
submissive or cooperative. We hesitate to get blindsided by the unexpected; therefore, we submit to everyone else without discretion. If you feel victimized, anxious, broken, angry, distressed,
lonely, unsupported, exhausted and empty, I can guarantee that your soul has
been breached. You have sold your peace of mind for a temporary peace with
another person.
Speaking
the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15) is God’s formula for relationships. We do
not need to fight with someone else in order to keep our boundaries safe. We
have no need to enforce our boundaries with the use of anger, yelling or
forceful words. (It took me a long time to learn the truth of that statement. I
used anger to protect myself; but all it did was alienate from me the people I
cared about the most.) We simply need to state our feelings, opinions or
decisions calmly and definitively.
To
quote a very wise man (my husband!), “The trick is to remain calm, businesslike
and resolute” rather than to cave in to the guilt, controlling and
manipulation, which others use to try to force us to do their bidding. The more
secure we are that we heard from God about an issue, the softer we can speak to
have our “self” heard and our needs met.
Most
of us have taken care of others for so long, that we never learned how to take
care of our “self.” If you do not know how to care for yourself, I have a very
simple solution for you, which was shared with me by my former employer:
“Minister to yourself in the same way that you minister to others. After all,
you are a person too.”
If
we do not take care of our “self” we will get depleted and maybe even sick in
body, soul or both. Then we will not be able to take care of others at
all. We make our best decisions and
hear from God the clearest when we focus on God as our center and move through
life guided by His Spirit. This way we are not exhausted, burdened and depleted
by giving everything of our “self” away to everyone else.
It
is much easier to exchange a "No" with a "Yes" at a later
time - than it is to turn a "Yes" into a "No" after you
already made a promise. The only healthy way to exist is to learn to live by
doing only that which God inspires us to do, and then letting God do the rest.
If you do not learn how to say "No", others will take you for granted
and lose respect for you. When you respect yourself and look to God to give you
the approval we all need in life, the irony is that people will start to grant
you much more respect and approval than they would have done otherwise.
God
taught me that I do not need to accept people into my circle of friends or
family who violate my body or emotions, or who make a decision without my
consent or who dishonor who I am. I do not need to be around people who are
dishonest and manipulative or who disrespect my needs and desires. I can cut
off fellowship with anyone who is condescending, belittling, critical or
derisive to or about me. When we separate our self from abusers, we will
experience more honesty and support from the healthy people we allow into our
life.
The process of setting boundaries and honoring them is the
most healing gift, which you can present to your self and others. We find healing when we say the words that match
our feelings, when we speak our truth with conviction, when we refrain from
allowing fear to rule us and when we specifically verbalize what our needs are.
We no longer lock our true self away in an inner prison and mentally abuse our
self for not measuring up to someone else’s expectations and standards. We allow our true
self to express who we really are and what we really want.
Setting preferences and
limits establishes a strong sense of ‘who you are’, which means that only
certain people or aspects of life can enter your boundaries. Saying,
"Yes" to these aspects and people, or saying "No" to people
and events that God does not direct you to interact with, is the healthiest way
to live. The Bible mandates that we love everyone, but we do not need to like everyone, or to interact often with everyone. If
certain people object to you caring for your self, they will either adjust
their behavior or depart from your life. That is their choice, and that is
okay. God has a perfect plan for your life that may or may not include them. We
can make a vow to our self to tolerate
no less than what is God’s best for us.
Prayer:
Father
God, if we place You first in our life, then doing things for our self and
others becomes an expression of Your love. We will then give out of Your
abundance within us and we will expect nothing in return. Help us to let our
light so shine that everyone will see our good works and give You the glory
(Matthew 5:16).
Thought
for the Day:
God’s
love changes us from the inside out and gives us the ability to have healthy
relationships.