“Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all
things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.” -
Ephesians 4: 15
In times of tension and miscommunication, God recommends
that we are quick to hear, slow to speak
and slow to anger (James 1:19). Anger is actually a God-given emotion
used to protect us from injury, not to inflict injury. Anger is a flag to let
us know that something is wrong. God cautions us, however, to be slow to
express it, and to guard against crossing over into sinful behavior with this
possibly volatile emotion (Ephesians 4:26).
The feelings of anger or resentment in our soul inform us
that someone else’s behavior is offensive to us. Once we recognize this breach
of our boundaries, then we can help the other person to understand that what
they just did or said is not acceptable to us. People will behave toward us in
the way in which we teach them to treat us. If we allow others to abuse us -
verbally, mentally or physically - we are inviting more of that same behavior
in the future.
However, we can develop a habit of using premeditated
wording to express our feelings, rather than to use hasty, angry words to
verbally attack the offending party. Rather than to attack in anger, I learned
to say:
“I feel afraid when you …” “I feel like you spend more time with …. than with me. I need more of your attention.”
“Thank you for your opinion, but I do not agree with you.”
“I will walk away if you say/do that again.”
“I think that you misunderstood the meaning behind my words/actions. Let me further explain to you how I feel (or why I took that action).”
We can learn to stand up for our self without hiding
behind fierce anger and coarse words (Ephesians 5:4). In the face of confrontation,
I still make it known in no uncertain terms that the offensive behavior is no
longer acceptable to me; however, I try to respond with a confident,
businesslike and resolute manner. Even in the face of a verbal onslaught, I
endeavor to state my feelings more clearly with firm, calm words rather than
with angry, irrational ones (Proverbs 15:1).
My husband and I even use a notebook to write out our feelings to one another. This way we do not speak off the top of our head and potentially hurt one another. We also write our positive feelings in our notebook. They are such cherished keepsakes.
Some people may never learn to treat us with respect;
and they may never change their behavior towards us. These people are not safe.
We need a firm boundary between them and us. It is better to steer a wide path
around such people who tend to abuse us, rather than to constantly put our self
in harm’s way. When we take a step back and look at their actions from a
spiritual frame of mind, we can pray for them and also about our response to
them by speaking firmly, but kindly in the face of any imposition from them or
any attack against us.
God encourages us to live at
peace with everyone (Romans 12:18). We cannot ever control another person’s
actions or responses towards us, but we can put distance between an abusive
person and us. However, I want to caution you not to overreact and divorce your
mate. A separation for the purpose of reconciliation through counseling and
calm discussions is far better and more in line with Biblical teaching.
There is no justification for divorce except for sexual immorality, according to Biblical principles (Matthew 19:6; Matthew 5:32).
There is no justification for divorce except for sexual immorality, according to Biblical principles (Matthew 19:6; Matthew 5:32).
I also take my hurt feelings
to the Lord. He helps me to forgive the offender and to pray for their
blessing, whether they ever respond positively to me or not. How they feel
about me or what they think of me has no bearing on who I am or on my
relationship with my Lord. In reality, His opinion of me is the only one that
really matters.
Prayer:
Lord Jesus, help me to put away slander, malice, coarse
words and explosive anger. Remind me to use positive words to communicate how I
feel and how I want to be treated. Let me kindly tell the truth in love, even
when it hurts.
Thought for the Day:
“A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of
silver.” - Proverbs 25:11
(Many thanks to Matt Milligan for the use of his cheerful photo.)
