Read: Philippians 3:1-11
As a child, I rarely, if ever measured up to the expected norm. I had undiagnosed dyslexia and did everything backwards. I tried my best, but usually ended up as a big disappointment to those whose opinion meant the most to me. Whenever I dared to help someone, if I did not do it their way, I received correction; and sometimes, even criticism for a job that was less than their idea of perfect. At other times, people actually negated my efforts by doing the task over again their way.
I always looked forward to gratitude for my acts of service; but instead, I walked away wounded and rejected by the attitude and negative reaction of those in authority over me. I used to wish on the first star that came out every night that I could be a good girl, so that my mommy and daddy would love me.
As I aged, I mirrored the expectations of my parents and teachers. I was rarely happy with the efforts I made to do something. Therefore, I shied away from straying outside of my normal activities and I refused to try anything new. If I wasn’t sure that I could do a chore or activity perfectly, I did not even try at all. When my parents encouraged me to step out of my comfort zone, I tried reluctantly, full of fear and insecurity. However, I was never happy with my results and I attracted people who were equally disappointed in me and with me.
In my early years as a young wife and mother, I perpetuated the codependent curse of perfectionism. I had my own way of doing things and they worked for me. They procured the results that I desired; therefore, I wanted everyone else to do things my way. I was actually perpetuating the cycle that wounded me, which caused my children to feel exactly like I felt as a child.
After God pointed out this egocentric tendency in me, I was appalled! I acted like a megalomaniac suffering from a delusional mental disorder marked by feelings of personal omnipotence and exhibiting no leniency in regard to a job done differently than I expected. What a textbook definition of the addiction to Perfectionism! With this realization, I started to recognize that there are many legitimate ways to perform a task. My way is just one of these ways. Once God revealed to me the bondage created by perfectionism, I determined to change my expectations of others and of myself. It did not take me long to break free from this bondage, once I truly understood what caused it in the first place.
There are actually a number of reasons for perfectionism. The strongest is the fear of failure, which is attached to feelings of inferiority and a lack of personal value and self-worth. Perfectionists often equate blunders with failure. However, by avoiding even the possibility of making a mistake, we miss opportunities to learn and to grow. Perfectionists view their own efforts as forever inadequate, and we fear that someone will someday find out just how flawed we are. We also fear that if we allow others to see that we are flawed, they may disapprove, criticize or reject us. Therefore, we structure our life according to endless lists of rigid regulations. The sad fact is that in the attempt to walk perfectly, we cause others to feel exactly how we are afraid of feeling.
The remedy for perfectionism is to set healthy goals, which is quite different from the self-defeating process of perfectionism. We start to base our objectives on our own wants and desires rather than as a response to someone else’s expectations. These new goals are realistic, come from the leading of the Holy Spirit and are actually quite attainable. I am happy to admit that I am a recovering perfectionist!
Recovering perfectionists learn to take pleasure in the process of a task, rather than obsessing about the end result. As we continue to recover, we go one step further. We recognize that only by making mistakes can we learn many positive aspects about life and discover new ways of doing things. We also come to understand that pleasing God is our only requirement in life.
I am grateful that I learned this lesson while my children were still young. None of them have ever hesitated to strike out in a new direction or to challenge the status quo. They are all three fiercely independent and capable of setting and reaching their own goals. They learned to think outside of the box, to trouble shoot and to find solutions, to teach themselves what they need to know to succeed in their chosen vocations, and to help other people, me included, to reach their potential as well.
As for me, I am not as daring as they are. I still require strict parameters to feel safe. My husband is teaching me to be more flexible and to agree to act on more of a spur of the moment instead of relying on a strict list of activities and goals to reach for each new day. I still have my lists, but if I do not accomplish everything I set out to do, I can rest in the knowledge that tomorrow is another day.
Prayer:
Lord Jesus, I want to reach for the goals that You set for me each day. I want to be found in You, not having any success of my own that comes from my efforts, but only that which I achieve through faith in You. My righteousness comes from You and is mine by faith. I want to know You intimately and to experience the power of Your resurrection and the fellowship of Your suffering; so that I may become more like You every day, and eventually live with You for eternity. – Philippians 3:9-11
Thought for the Day:
I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. – Philippians 3:12b
