I do not like “life” dealing my cards to me. I always wanted to have control over the issues of my life. I struggled endlessly to keep my situation peaceful and joyful, but life kept happening according to its own subversive strategy.
Through
an abusive and emotionally-distant childhood, as well as an emotionally
neglectful and distant first marriage, my body and soul suffered lasting damage.
As I raised my three children, I decided that I no longer wanted to suffer
through life as a victim.
I
knew that I wanted to control the "temperature" of my circumstances
like a thermostat, instead of simply registering the current climate like a
thermometer and going along with the flow. Initially, I continued to put up
with negative treatment.
However,
when I could not stand it any longer, I made a choice to use intimidation,
manipulation, and/or dominating behavior with others to insure that I felt
safe. I was tired of reaping the consequences of other people's choices.
Controlling
people are scared and scarred individuals who are just trying to survive in
this world. They are attempting to keep themselves safe from a wounded and
broken existence, by controlling the uncontrollable.
I
usually used anger to protect myself. I blew up like a volcano - screaming my
feelings at the top of lungs in my attempt to be taken seriously. My burst of
unexpected anger usually got everyone's attention, but left scars on their
souls.
Not
that I belittled or cursed at them, but that the intensity of my anger wounded
them. My eruption was short lived, but fierce in intensity. The negative aspect
of my attempts to control life cost me my first marriage.
Since
accepting Jesus at age 18, I have enjoyed God's gradual healing for me of the
effects of my trauma and grief. I am learning so many new healthy ways of
dealing with life's unpredictability.
God
even introduced me to a wonderful man whom I married. He used my new husband to
teach me that I needed to express my feelings before I felt the need to control
life by getting angry. So I started doing this.
I
actually convinced him, that if he would listen and take my words seriously when
I confided in him, I would not need to get angry. I learned to say, "Would
you please listen to me, or do I need to take out my Italian temper?" This
quickly gets his attention.
I
also convinced him not to make decisions, which involved me in any way, until
he first discussed them with me to get my perspective. When his choice and my
choice differed, we learned to look for a third option that gave us both peace.
Prayer:
Father
God, thank You for teaching me to relinquish my life to Your control as You see
fit. The only striving I want in my life is to allow Your Spirit to control my
thoughts, my emotions, my actions and my words. Thank You for using two wrecks
that totaled both cars but spared my life, to finally teach me that life is absolutely
out of my control.
Only
trusting in You, moment by moment throughout the day, will guarantee that
regardless of circumstances, You will walk through them with us. As the Lord of
peace, You flood our soul with Your peace in every way (2 Thessalonians 3:16).
Remind me that although circumstances may get out of my control, they are never
out of Your control
Thought
for the Day:
A
healthy life requires that we realize that we are only in control of the use of
our own resources, time, activities, tongue and emotions; by submitting our will
to God's plan for us individually, we are assured that we will live a Spirit-controlled
life.
