“It is an honor for a man to
cease from strife: but every fool will be meddling.” – Proverbs 20:3
I have recently been
contemplating where my responsibility to the Body of Christ ends and where
meddling begins. As a Pastor’s wife, do I have a responsibility for the watch
care of the flock? Do I owe them any type of spiritual advice or is that taking
my role too far?
In today’s society, people
resent it when we stick our nose into their business. Even if we are trying to
be kind and helpful, what they view as our interference often offends them.
They do not even appreciate it when we share sound doctrine with them, or try
to enlighten them in some area in which they obviously lack wisdom. Due to
their previous experiences with other people, they hide behind thick walls they
erect to protect themselves from pain and abuse.
Erecting
rigid boundaries is similar to
living in a house surrounded by a huge wall without a gate. Not one person is
allowed within the borders. These boundaries are too rigid, and those within
them live in fear of failure, rejection, abuse and life. They appear aloof and
distant, and do not talk about their feelings or show emotions. They exhibit extreme
self-sufficiency, and do not ask for help. They do not allow anyone to get
physically or emotionally close to them. On
the other hand, those whose boundaries are too loose often lead
chaotic lives, full of drama, as if they lived in houses with no fences, gates,
locks or even doors.
So, my question is…why do we
even try to help one another? I really am very busy with my own life. I do not
have any need to invade someone else’s privacy to feel better about myself. I
have no desire to censure their behavior or to add to their weight of condemnation.
Although I prefer learning from someone else’s mistakes, most people do not.
They eventually learn from their own experience, even if it is the hard way.
They form their own convictions and conclusions by listening to sermons and
reading God’s Word, so why should I feel any form of compulsion to make their
life better or easier by sharing what God taught me in situations similar to
theirs?
Those with healthy
boundaries are comfortable with who they are, and they make others comfortable
around them. They live in houses with fences instead of walls, and they erect
gates that allow access only to those who respect their boundaries. They give
and accept support. They respect their feelings, needs, opinions, and rights as
wells as those of others. They are very clear about owning only their own
feelings, needs, opinions and rights.
They respect their separateness. They are
responsible for their own happiness and allow others to be responsible for
their own happiness. They are assertive rather than aggressive, and they
respect the right of others to be confident. They are able to negotiate and
compromise. They have empathy for others. They are able to make mistakes
without damaging their self-esteem. They have an internal sense of personal
identity in Christ. They respect diversity and appreciate hearing another
person’s opinion or advice.
Jesus loved people. He did
not even take the time to form friendships or relationships with them first. He
just prophetically spoke what He heard His Father tell Him to share. He spent
countless hours teaching them, healing them, instructing them and miraculously
feeding them, until He finally laid down His life for them.
In today’s society, however,
we must first earn the right to have these same deeply spiritual conversations
with people by forming a friendship with them in which we lay down our life for
them in some way. We have to prove to them that we care, so that they will know
that our instruction flows from this same concern for their welfare. Then, when
they trust us, we can nurture them if they allow us the opportunity to do so.
Unsolicited advice is rarely
appreciated, so I am going to take down my counselor’s “shingle” and stick to
being a friend, until one at a time someone allows me to also be their mentor.
Prayer:
Lord Jesus, help your Body
to build gates into their walls, which they use to protect themselves from any
invasion into their privacy. Show them that they are wise to keep out certain
people, but not everyone; and that they need this gate to let safe people into
their lives.
Thought for the Day:
A
gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret. -
Proverbs 11:13
